webster

Confusion. The fusion between knowing and not knowing.

Novel Thought

It struck me today that the world's greatest masterpieces have remained unwritten: buried inside minds, disintegrated inside caskets, and eventually nourishing the soil. Never written-- living breathing stories, blowing in the wind.

The World Hates Women

Many women, scholars and common folk argue that there is no longer a need for feminism, and any more progess for women is striving for superior rights, not equal rights. WOmen got their vote, got into the workplace-for gods sake, Condaleeza symbolizes it all!

Wrong, wrong wrong. And I quote women talking to women on daytime TV:
female host: " so dave, since you are not cheating, but are accused by your wife of cheating daily, does that make you wanna just go out there and do it?"
Dave: " well...yeah i guess. I haven't but it's tempting to cheat if im constantly being told I am."
audience: boos
Host: " Hey audience, dont be hard on him. Linda ( the wife) is the one creating the self fulfilling prophecy here and his reaction is only natural. So Linda, how are you going to fix this?"
Linda: " I'm going to be more trusting and stop accusing him of cheating."
Host: " what else did we talk about"
Linda: " More sex. I'm gunna give him more sex so he doesn't have to cheat."
Host: Great

The latest and greatest scolding

I'm so confused it hurts.

blood boiling

Incoming memo for Debbie Zurow: I hate you. YOU make MY eyes burn, when I ask YOU to do something YOU do it, and I don't care if YOU are insulted it's too damn bad. How do you like your own words? Savor them because they only get more bitter with age.
If you ever google your name this will probably come up, and I hope it does. If a client or co-worker ever googles your name, I hope for the same. If this is the case, know you're supporting a good businesswoman but an unfit mother.
I have blatantly inherited your vindictive gene. Another thing: stop making my body the battleground for the family dynamic. Fight it out somewhere else, outside of my body, outside of my mind, and using my health as a measurement for the extent to which our family is fucked up.
The possibility that maybe I didn't do anything to deserve this was recently introduced to me. It's a new theory, but it seems to make sense. You need serious help. And as a result, so do I. I find you so off putting that, as the recipient of 50% of your genes, I've struggled with overcoming issues of self disgust. I'm coming to realize it's not all on me, it's partically you; and while I still think your sick power trip off of psychologically manipulative and degrading tactics are cruel, the word pathetic has been more fitting as of recent revelations. I don't even think you are fully at fault with your inability to empathize because sociopaths, autistic people and young children all suffer from the same symptoms and i wouldn't be surprised if you fell onto a spectrum under any of those categories. And as long as I'm being honest here, in my heart of hearts I think all of the bullshit you have put me through is because you are jealous of me because all you ever knew how to do was conform to please others (and look how happy that made you! )and I live for myself. Always have. That, and even though we kid about it i know it hurts I was never your princess mini-me cheerleader who you could take shopping and love doggies with. You could never help me with math, discuss a book, kick a soccer ball around, stopped cooking me any meals or doing my laundry before I was tall enough use the goddamn appliances myself, help me with a problem or bad experience because you reinforced it was my fault if you dared to acknowledge it and accept the occurrence as truth at all, chat about anything remotely political or cultural, and have been on a diet as far back as my first memories date and yet have the audacity to reflect any contribution to my own psychologically warped relationship with nutrition.In the decade past I've epressed all of the above to you both verbally ( not successful) and non verbally which is more successful in getting across to you you're a shitty parent but at the end of the day just sets up more roadblocks and damage to myself than it does to you. I'm done with it. And as I heal it makes my hair curl imagining you smiling to yourself as you bask in my reflected glory of achievement after you've denied any hand in those failures, like you did something right. No. I don't know much about motherhood, but I know enough to distinguish it from a fair-weather fan. This is for me. Feel free to keep making my mental and physical state your battlefield, but if it really does take two to tango, you'll be at war with yourself there because I'm moving on. You are so petty. Petty, pathetic, unsupportive, incompetent, and if you exemplify anything, it's mediocrity.
I hope you google your name.

If I Could I would

Both in the company of others and alone, I talk to myself aloud quite a bit. This habit is only perpetuated by another idiosycracy: i nourish my mind by creating and contemplating hypothetical situations and my hypothetical courses of action.Sudoku and crossword puzzles have never excited me,hence, the mind games.I've always been ambivilant on my decision if i hypothetically could be reborn- born again as a religious zealot, that is.Today I hopped from one side of the imaginary fence to the other.

I watched Jesus Camp today, a documentary about an Evangelical summer camp for kids. As a Portland raised, agnostic, environmentally conscious and politically aware gal, this film is more frightening than The Shinning.But from there point of view of those kids, Life is Grand. There was creation; they are individual and unique gifts from god,all put on earth with a purpose. Global warming is incorrect leftist jargon; they need not bear the weight of terrifying environmental issues because the earth is soon to end in an Apocalypse, and in the meantime, god put resources here to be used by man.There is destiny; they have faith that any negative obstacle in their lives is both not their fault and happening for a reason. There is an afterlife; they live this life in the flesh assured of an inner strength and courage of their spirit within. They are loved by God; just imagine having the most omnipotent being in existence as your support system.Your parents could be unfathomably nutty and it wouldn't matter because the Big Daddy upstairs is the best papa, ever. And a terrific listener at that. AND the best part is, even though you've sinned ( birth), you are forgiven. Don't even sweat it- some guy named Christ already died for your sins. As long as you worship that guy, you're pretty much saved. The second best part: you are better than most of the world because you are enlightened by the Truth. Jesus is your homeboy, and that makes you special.

Ya know what? I'm a little bit envious of the cushy life of those evangelicals. They have strength, courage and wisdom handed to them on a silver platter in a drive through McBible window while the rest of us suckers have to build character through doubt and learned self-reliance and esteem through experience. Our misdoings are ours, not a detour in a greater destiny and punished, not pardoned) but old white men with beards in municipal court.

I don't believe in the our culturally stereotypical concept of the judeo-christian God ( however, I do believe in the concept of omnipotent and divine balance, which is as close to god as I come.) I don't rule it out because in this infinite universe, the existence or occurrence of anything has some fraction of probability, and therefore, possibility. But i don't believe because it doesn't make much sense , to me. In the end, what I'm saying is i wish the opposite, that God made sense, and the idea that god ( as culturally defined) not existing made just as little sense.Yeah.

Tyra the Daytime Tyrant

Backstory: I recieve Tyra Banks' talkshow newsletter weekly. No, I didn't stutter, and no, I'm not pulling your leg. Believe it. First semester freshman year I took an upper division comm class ( before I knew the difference between a 100 and 300 level class was more than arbitrary); my nievity bit me in the ass, and I got stuck with my first college paper as a 12 page research whammy on the Tyra Banks talk show. To be honest, I originally subscribed for the research, and I've stayed on that list-serve for the past 2 years as part of the same embarrasing phenomenon that I could have a full-fledged conversation about Brittney Spears if pressed in a hostage situation. Now that you're up to speed on my shameful extensive knowledge on the Tyra Banks talk show, hopefully the following rant will have more credibility than most: Tyra just won a daytime Emmy...oh...my...god. Tyra just won a daytime Emmy, according to her newsletter, for Quality Daytime Programming. What's on this week's Tyra lineup? I'm glad you asked. Monday starts out with a bang and T-a ( like G-d, her name need not be written in such casual circumstances) tells us common folk if germs are our friends or our enemies. I, for one, am losing sleep in anticipation like the night before the first day of middle school. Holy crap, America, is this what it's come to? Have you no dignity...

In other news, I think it's time the countdown for school to restart has begun! Summer circumstances get real old, real fast. If I'm not sleeping, I'm dissipointing someone, somewhere. I used to keep my fingers crossed that one day I would be accepted, for better or worse, for being me. That sounds nice, but lately I've began to think that my weaknesses are just misdirected declarations of my strengths- if ya can't handle my weakness then that's essentially the same as not being able to handel my (inverse) strength. The entire thing is just a shame. With 4 deaths in 2 years, one may assume that people would start to appriciate what they got before it's gone. Then again, one may make the mistake of assuming most people are rational...

Oh, Memoir

If this intangible aspiration/ life-long work in progress were personified, it would be a sexy seductress in fire engine pumps and lips stained with the residue of a juicy red apple. The latest skeleton in the family closet is more suprising than the last, which was even more unbelieveable than the one before that. i think I finally reached a law of diminishing returns and will no longer be capable of a jaw dropping reaction. However, i am tempted to call up Oprah. That is, after I keep on digging and fully put into context who I am and where I fit into the bizzarro puzzle that is the Family Tree. It's an evergreen baby, life happens year round.

The Story of a Man Named Obama

I have a gut feeling that the latest breaking news update about Obama is soon to be repeated in syndication as long as he remains in the public political spotlight. World, I hate that I was right and i cringe to admit that I Told You So on this one.

One of Obama's campaign mantras during the primaries, which pursuaded the votes of many sheeple, was his dedication to not accepting huge campaign donations from big businesses. Noble and idealistic on the surface ( which is all you need to acrew most votes), but overall painfully naieve and troublesome. I a just a kid who finds the American political machine interesting, not even a political science major, and from the beggining it seemed crystal clear: a sexy spade is still a spade. Albeit you are full of whimsical, enchanting slogans Mr. Obama, you are still a presidential candidate for one of the two major political machines in a corrupt system. Dress up your potential presidency however you'd like to make it seem unique or different, perhaps better, but at the end of the day you will continue to make decisions much like the one you just made...
....to deny the opportunity to fulfil your promise to use public funding for your presidential campaign against McCain instead of vying for large private donations ( aka flirting with lobbyists). And why? Because McCain chose to use private instead of public funding. Fucking Duh, Obama. The system is broken. I'm not saying you made an unwise decision, I'm saying that you are a baby in politics and someone with more experiance ( cough clinton cough) may have never made such a rediculous promise and saw this perdicament coming. that's all.

मोनोपोली विथ bazookas

I'm not saying that my moarl compas is anything to chart and teach to kindergardeners nationwide.However, neither is yours, my fellow Americans. Here are some poll results from an AOL News.

On an article revealing doctors and psychologists reports of mental and psychological torture against p.o.w. in guantanamo and other US military run holding cells...
"How do you feel about such reports of torture?"
I find them troubling 44% 15,918
It's no big deal 36% 12,789
I have mixed feelings 20% 7,259

I'd like those near 13,000 people who think torture is no big deal to send their kid off to war and then see how they feel about the potential treatment of prisoners of war. I get it-war is dirty and messy and nothing like a game of monopoly where the rules have the finals say...but still... " it's no big deal?". COME ON people. Come on.

The Funny, Gory Bone

I've been trying to pay attention to when people laugh.My brother laughs when something is clever, my dad laughs at (mostly corny ol jewish man) puns, and my mom laughs when she's uncertain or vulnerable. I usually laugh when my mind plays out a Family Guy-esque tangent or exaggeration of the statement or situation at hand...which results in me laughing solo and seemingly without a prompt in the eyes of others most of the time. Like a schizophrenic. Whatever- I will obviously get the last laugh.

Tonight I saw Tim Burton's Sweeny Todd. My indifference to most movies is reflected by my toddler attention span to them...particularly evident in gory movies: 1/3rd of the time I'm eyes-to-screen attentive, 1/3rd my eyes are wandering, and 1/3rd they're covered because I really have no interest in seeing the human body inside out. Tonight I noticed everytime my face was burried in my hands because the creepy barber was slitting more throats to make into meat pies ( yeah, the original playwright must have been seriously twisted) the boys i was with would laugh out, loud.

Why? I'm pretty sure humor isn't the main input to get an outcome of laughter. The laugh must have some deeper adaptive, evolutionary function or it probably wouldn't exist. I got to thinkin, surface level: if laughter is generally a response to something interpreted as funny, what is humor? In most cases I think the humor has it's roots in truth. Like a socially acceptable medium to express taboo/shameful/uncomfortable things. BUT here is my road block, as a relativist: what is truth?

and with that, I'm off to bed, only to wake up early for father's day brunch. I'm really full. Josh would tell me it will feel all better in the morning. Hopefully, cross my fingers he's right again.

Last Day in LA

Today is the last, the very last...
...day in LA.

it's been real city of angeles,
ill miss the smog and traffic and perfectly manicured lawns
and dogs in purses
and dehydrated homeless people heaving on the road heaving on hot days.

it's all so great

but no really, i enjoy life here, and will miss it

adios para ahora
emily