The good, the bad, and the sleepy

The Good: I officially dropped one 3 hour a week commitment. Save your applause, taking back time is the only positive reinforcement I need. It wasn't even a big enough commitment that it made The List of my last blog entry, but it's a start so I'm proud. I also backed out of the leadership retreat I've been looking forward to since i applied for it last semester ( see section "The Sleepy" below for an explanation. Bittersweet.

The Bad: I am confused, confused, confused. Too many options. Well, two options is really too many options for me, to be realistic. I went to my academic advisor with three seperate missions. 1) Declare my minor.Done. 2) Vent to recieve advice . Worthless. Her advice: study in a different library to change scenery if you feel overwhelmed. Thanks, thanks a lot.3) Inquire about the possiblities of study abroad for Fall or Spring of next year...and here we go. I could study abroad in the Fall or the Spring. I could study abroad in a program to knock out major or minor credits limiting me to mostly english-esque speaking countries, OR i could not. Either way. I could graduate a semester early if I did a psych program, or on time if i didn't. If i graduated early, i could save my money and work on or by campus until everyone else graduates. so you see, the confusion ensues...

The sleepy: ...and i haven't been able to figure anything out because i've spontaneously passed out multiple times today, and slept pretty much all day yesterday...and it took every fiber of my being to remain concious the day before that. If i can manage to stay awake for long enough, some cool choices are about to be made.

Womp, Womp

I'm looking to drop a commitment, or two, or five or ten. The cardnal rule of the ideation is no screwing over myself or others. Other than that, it's the rugby of the over=zealous scheduling world, right here, right now:
1)Organization: The Women's Student Assembly
Drop-ability( 1=never I'd be a martyr for this group, 10=drop in the next 3 blinks): 2.5. If i did, time would pour through my windows like sunshine in the summertime...butttt....I committed to e-board, i learn from it, i grow from it, i am actually productive and see some of the fruits of my labors like the weekly newsletter which is satisfying...Not dropping this semester.
2)Organization: Take Back the Night--Clothesline
Dropability: 3.5. Required to participate cause of eboard wsa. Good cause, good people, spectacular event and the director has been thinking and working on it since she was elected into the position spring of last year...but truth be told it's time (especially later in the semester) and energy
3) Organization: JEP t.a.
Dropability: 5.5. I SOO could drop this.But then i'd be dropping all of that extra credit in psyc 355. Not a risk im willing to take.
4) organization: troy camp
dropability: 4. I could just wane out of the spectrum for a while. But I need to go to as many events and meetings as possible to earn more points so i can rank high enough to attend Troy Camp, the actual camp, this summer. AND this is the one organization where i can just enjoy it and don't have any creative or logistical responsibility over anything or anyone except myself and occasionally children. Don't want to quite this one.
5) organization: Remarkable Women's Awards Selection Committee
Dropability:3. I'm excited to rep the undergrad voice and meet some sweet deans and shmooze over piles of applications and nominations and attend a fancy banquet in the end. And it's kinda too late to back out anyway, so i must perservere
6) organization: Experimetrix random ass psych experiments for extra credit
dropability: 6. The highest dropability yet. I know this seems petty, dropping the stupid psych extra credit opportunity, but last semester is spent 21 hours + doing psych experiments through usc in person or online, not counting find and scheulding all of those opportunities. In the end, it absoluetly paid off. So why am i thinking about sacraficing this again...?
7) Organization: 2-credit Directed Research class for the VSP.
Dropability: 5. It would be one less research paper to write, texbook to read, and 5 less lost hours in the week. it would also be goodbye to casually discussing queer theory, free gay clubs, class credit for asking gay men about their sexual behaviors and just a cool chance to experiance everything that goes into the psychology research projects and studies I read about multiple times a day in my classes,
8) Organization: work-study, Bovard.
dropability: 6. Must make money. Would prefer job with, i dunno, stable weekley hours. But bovard is essentially paid standing in blazers, so there is little point in me dropping the hours i do have.
9)Organization: Random retreats like WLR, ASB's like in N.O.
Dropability: 7. They're fun, and usually mostly free, but they're the opposite of stopping to breathe. They are sprinting.
10)Organization: USC
Dropability: -25. Only if they give me back my money from the past 3 semesters so i can take that and go do something cool like liberate a hatian village.
11)Organization: Friendships
Dropability: Seeing as I never got into mysterical heros and harry potter, real life friends are what i got.
12) organization: sleep
dropability: probable. like now. its 3 am and i have to get up at 8 ish.

MY LIFEEEEEE. You may be asking yourself about now what i need all of this extra time for and want to drop stuff anyway? I want extra time to do nothing. absolutley nothing. Just write or paint or look up politics or have time to realize that it is a nice day out and to smell what the air smells like and to (literally) not book my social life in 1 to 2 hour slots which open every few days where i have time for myself that i chose to share with other people which is not okay with me because other people deserve time with me when im not exhausted and i deserve a minute to myself. im booking coffee dates a week in advance to find an opening. this is not ok.

GOOD NIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

scary ass shit yo

Today I had a coffee date with the Obama man on campus to go over my grivances. Note: he said he was intimidated that i was associate dr. of the womens student assembely....HAHAHAHA. I've never gotten that before...like intimidated that i was going to burn my bra mid conversation? whip out some arts and crafts? hand out coat hangers to unsuspecting 3rd trimester looking pregnant women? Well, I didn't do any of the above. I am in awe of his lexicon of knowldge on american politics, past and present. I went into the conversation75% sure I was going to support Hillary on feb. 5th after months of research. Now I'm slplit 50/50 again, so much for hard work. The thing that worries me, nay, terrifies me, is that he explained that a lot of hard-core obama dem's would vote for mccain over clinton if she got the presidential nomination. Holy. Shit. I don't care that McCain is a republican. Sometimes, that's just a convenience title. What I care about is this:
1.Don't ask, don't tell is working; don't tamper with it. (Jun 2007)
2.Confederate flag on top of capitol was wrong; in front is ok. (May 2007)
3.Ten Commandments would bring virtue to our schools. (Jan 2000)
4.Confederate flag is a “symbol of heritage”. (Jan 2000)
5.Voted YES on loosening restrictions on cell phone wiretapping. (Oct 2001)
6.Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
7.More death penalty; stricter sentencing. (Jan 2000)
8.Pro-death penalty; more prisons; increased penalties. (Jul 1998)
9.Voted YES on limiting death penalty appeals. (Apr 1996)
10. Drugs: Stricter penalties; stricter enforcement. (Jul 1998)
11.Teaching creationism should be decided by school districts. (Jun 2007)
12.Violence in media caused Littleton shootings. (Apr 1999)
13.Hiding torture is wrong, and harms US credibility abroad. (Dec 2007) ( inferring non-hidden tourture is okay...?)
14.The War on Terror is a fight between good and evil. (Aug 2004)
The War on Terror a war we must fight. (Aug 2004)
Avoiding the War on Terror has cost us dearly. (Aug 2004)
17.Iran is state sponsor of terrorism; no more evidence needed. (Nov 2007)
18. ( MY FAVORITE QUOTE FROM A "DIPLOMAT") No direct talk with Iran; talk is over-rated. (Dec 2007)
19.Anti-poverty shared by gov’t & faith-based orgs. (Jan 2000)

Is Clinton THAT devisive that someone who would otherwise vote for Obama, who is technically more liberal than Clinton, would 180 and vote for McCain? If so, i have some thinking to do. Man oh man.

फील थे (तिगेर) Heat

Last night was nuts. Sometimes, the randomness of my life baffles me when I take a step back. I'm receiving 2 credits to apply the psyc 490x Directed Research class to being a Research Assistant...which, among other things, entails me going to gay clubs in LA for free once a week and survey men who have sex with men about the nitty-gritty details of the sexual behavior they enjoy. Some questions are fun ( how many times were you on top in the past x days...), some are embarrassing for me ( what is your gender...) and others are sensitive ( did the HIV test results show positive or negative?) My favorite part of the gay club last night was the bathroom. The door had those traditional/confining pictures of a man for mens room or a woman in a dress for ladies room. Alls i know is, there were more boys in the girls bathroom than girls, and vice-versa. I also may have seen the conception of a future child, about 4 feet away from where i was standing. Precious. It was no doubt a learning experience...I had queer theory explained to me and learned how a man can be a lesbian and overall the experience just exploited how ludacris our societal polarization of designated identities and roles and labeling system is. What a night.

Double Take This

I honestly had no idea this existed. But then I read it...again, and again, and again. Funniest shit ever.

http://www.nrlc.org/WHD/SOHLD2008.pdf

My American Hero.

I'm tempted to forward this onto the good people at Webster's and suggest it as a working definition for Dramatic Irony.

Rejuvination Proclamation

Save AP Calculus in high school, in which i lasted under two weeks, I've never been tempted to drop a class before due to difficulty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like you, and you, and you: school is tough. But I live for personal challenges, testing my limits...and in the case of calculus, my pain tolerance. Yup, life is one windy loop-dee-loop personal challenge. My story began on the very first day of classes this semester. There were no gradual baby steps easing into my first class after a month recess; we lept over the moon, syllabus flailing in hand. My dual with a personally unexplored frontier of academia, Law, was nothing short of pathetic.It was the Burr to my Hamilton, and i immidiately deemed it my arch-nemisis after my ego was mortally wounded. I wanted to walk out halfway through, unregister, and pull a Forrest Gump and keep on walking, maybe eventually board a shirmp boat. I didn't end up doing that...and I also didn't end up doing to reading for a long, long time. But these past few days I have, and I LOVE IT. There are at least 2 words on every page that I've never seen before ( one is usually legal jargon), which is awesome. I'm learning.

My phone is spontaneously breaking again. Every few months or so this technological meltdown happens to me, and everytime it has this strange paradox effect of liberation and isolation. Confined by nothing and having nothing. Whenever any of my electronic boxes with screens messes with me, I hear this internal refrain that a wise old man yelled at me once as a child: " Emily, be smarter than the inanimate object!"And it still makes me laugh, ahhh...

...enough dilly dally'ing: it's time for Obama-rama. I'm going to do this a little bit differently than Hilary. I only listed my grivances with her, despite the fact that there was a lot more about her voting record, stances and platform that are pretty damn good. My reasoning: even the best diplomats fuck up and get dome from an intern, sometimes. Even though every president has their national mulligan, I would really like the next president's mistake to be as mild as possible. So my logic is I see the worst of them both, can then guess their future tax-funded terrible ideas, and put my vote in knowing the other candidate could have been better, but they also could have been worse.

But I'm throwing in some positives about Obama too, just to give this entry some better energy:
Abortion/Stem Cell Research:
He is stellar, STELLAR in this area. Abortion is first beause of the alphabet, by the way, not due to my crazy woman-loving ways. He voted against banning partial birth abortion ( woops, he lost, and so did America) in 2007 AND he voted against the 2006 parent notification bill for minors who seek abortions.Come on world, if a girl doesn't feel comfortable telling her parents, there is probably a reason. And he supports funding research on stem cells, so hurrah.
Budget and Economy:
Alright, this is when i think his new-kid-on-the-block status hinders him. Obama makes these elementary , general critiques about the budget, but doesn't offer any concreteplan on how to resesitate it. For example, he said he wants to,"Take China to the mat about currency manipulation. (Dec 2007)" Okay...yeah...me too. How? And here lies the stark difference i find between Obama and Clinton: she tells us how. Sometimes her message is less hopeful, but she almost always presents a plan. He is youthful, full of ideas and posotive rhetoric and that's great, im just not convinced he can deliver.
Civil Rights...or Not rights:
Check it out, Obama is a little s.o.b. when it comes to the gay marriage issue. He has admitted, "Being gay or lesbian is not a choice. (Nov 2007)." Feeling empathetic perhaps, he also stated, "Gay rights movement is somewhat like civil rights movement. (Aug 2007)." So just like fetus's don't chose to be born black, they don't chose to be born homosexual either. Both black and gay people are American minorities who have and are currently fighting tooth and nail towards equality and justice.However, Obama stands by the right for black people to marry, and gay people to enjoy watching black people get married and sigh to themselves, quietly romanticizing the honeymoon night of their civil union...at the courthouse...with the sub DMV man as the fill in sanctioner. holy, no?Apperantly, "Marriage not a human right; non-discrimination is. (Oct 2004)."
Criminal Justice:
To my surprise, he is low key on this topic. He's supported the death penalty and opposed the death penalty in a two year span. When you put all of the cards on the table, this hand- or lack thereof- is easy to read; despite the fact that 1/3rd of all black males in america my age ( which is voting age) are incarcerated for stupid shit, like the 3 strikes rule or because they were caught having to protect themselves because the police sure as hell won't, Obama is not wasteing his mental and physical resources on this issue because a) he probably doesn't want to be portrayed as a 'gangsta sympathizer' and b) incarcerated persons can't vote so they're useless to him! Obama will support the upwardly mobil colored folk through ceaseless support for affermative action, but he remains silent about those who have already fallen. Sad.
Education:
He has a lot of ideas, nice, expensive, bank-breaking ideas....but i think we need to occupy a few more arab nations and snag their oil rigs before we can turn them into realities.
Energy:
He's good EXCEPT he supports nuclear power.Knock Knock. Who's there? Cherenobal. Yikes.


OHHH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH MORE AND IM TIRED GOODNIGHT

writing in my bed

Before I fall asleep, I want to make sure i stay on schedule with Primary prep. Next candidate up: Barak Obama.

But first, a quote of the day. The winner is Andrea with, " The best theocracies make you think that you're free." Wait a gosh darn minute here--don't we live in the 'Land of the Free?' Hmmm, and our fearless leader, who only seems so by juxtapositioning himself against the politics of fear propoganda, now has embarrasingly low popularity ratings from the American people and yet is making high stake decisions in the name Americans and allegedly 'for their benifit.' Excecutive powers are up, privacy is down and all the while the media presents us with enough information to satisfy cynicism and curiosity, and treats their blurbs like overarching facts instead of fragments of opinions to stifle the average american to question.Quote runner up: "Threats to democracy, however, are not always external. They sometimes burrow from within." Is it worse not to be able to speak out at all against The Man, or not be aware that there is something substantial to speak out about? I'm pretty sure that the politics of fear have allowed people to have the wool pulled over their eyes at the hypocracy of being "freedom fighters" abroad ( enacting the ultimate irony of waging a war and occupation in the very name of establishing freedom) while simultaneously having our freedoms restrictedon our home turf...patriot act, anyone? Another example: the administration wins the empathy support of Americans to go to specific arab nations, provoked only by greed and not by threat, and justifying it with the 'status' and 'abuse' of women abroad.Meanwhile, poof, there goes 3rd trimester abortion from our own soil. There goes government supported comprehensive sex education. There goes the extra 24 cents that every man earns to the dollar more than women doing equal work holding equal titles. I just use feminism as a means of example. By no means are women the only or the most important demographic affected under this umbrella of tyranny, If i knew more about the subprime morgage fiasco systematically retarding black americans ability to maintain or permeate socioeconomomic class lines, my example would have been like that. With the Roe v Wade aniversary this week, I've had women ('s issues) on the mind. Something strange to ponder: think of all of the unborn fetuses aborted in the past 35 years since Roe v. Wade...that translates into a crazy amount of lives. Now, im just toying with the idea, but most women who get abortions are young or not ready or in a committed relationship or just don't want the baby...many of these unborn people would have been in less-than-ideal environments... from struggle and depression blossoms art and bohemia...what creations, or destructions, has the world avioded via abortion? I know, oversimplification. On this 35th aniversary we celebrate 34 years of sucess and 1 year of regression. Unfortunatley, we are in the wake of that year. And the terms sucess and regression are obviously from my standpoint. Just take one second for me here and think about how many of yourfriends , or self, would be mothers or fathers today if it hadn't been for abortion, or even emergency contraception. Nuts, totally nuts.

So much for barack, that was a tangental orgasm. But I didn learn one thing new about barack today: he smokes cigarettes. If he likes camel menthol lights, my vote will be handed to him on a silver platter. More Next time.

almost primary season

Digging through some political archives online. Yes: I'm that high right now. The primaries here are on the 5th, if memory serves. Meaning, I have two weeks to come to the conclusion of which candidate I think would be the best presdident. Whoever I decide will be the person who has the most similar vision to mine of how they would like to see American run, substantiated by a hearty platform with dates and facts to prove their resolve, and a congressional/ senate voting record which support their policies. Moreover, those policies would support the majority of Americans the majority of the time, while upholding and progressing human rights, sustainibility and respect diversity. I want a damn good leader.Call me picky, i don't care. I wouldn't hold these standards to the president of Scapbooking Club, it's the president of the US of A, so sue me if I'm being demanding.
As of now, I do think there is one candidate inparticular who I am favoring, but no roads are blocked and im still open to contemplation. I know this is petty, by some snags in these candidates voting records and stances really bother me...in a stupid way, like enjoying having dinner with a friend but cringing on the inside when they occasionally smack their food loudly....or something.I'll start off with Hilary Clinton, and over the nex few days move on the other candidates.
Examples of Things that Bug Me, knowing that controversial past policies, votes and stances could very well rear their heads in the future under each candidate:
Hillary Clinton's Flaws, Through My Eyes--
1) The Budget and the economy. I'm sure she'd be great at achieving what she wants, but on this topic, we seem to want different things.
Hillary co-sponsored bills totaling $502B in spending thru 2005. (Oct 2006).One one level, I can understand this;even though that sum of money is larger than the GDP of most world nations, i know that it takes a lot to run a lot. But if it takes a lot( money) to run a lot ( the national infrastucture and social programs) then logically there needs to be a lot of taxes or else we're going to increase debt...a lot. Hillary's reknown for her extensive domestic program plans ( ie "hillary health care"),which obviously need to be funded from somewhere. Taxes, anyone? Not Hillary: she suggests a universal health care plan AND cutting taxes, leaving the national debt to pick up the slack...but still claims she supports decreasing that pesky debt. I know im just a kid, but I'm also pretty sure my confusion isn't outrageous.
2)Gay rights. I'm seeing there is a lil bit of seperate but equal goin on here, and a lil bit of inconsistancy. In 2004, Hillary "defended traditional marriage"; in 2006, she voted for same-sex (May 2007). I guess it doesn't bother me so much that the change occured, it's just the connotation of the change...flipping positions on this issue could reflect any number of things and until I know what it is I feel uneasy about the disconnect. Any by "same-sex" im pretty sure that means same sex civil unions; Hillary's on record for being positive about civil unions, with full equality of benefits. (Aug 2007). Marriage is a contract which is part of the social fabric for an efficient society by keeping the nuclear family in tact. Limiting the concept of love to heterosexual love is not only close minded discrimination and insinuates a hierarchy of humanity based on sexual preferences, it isn't benificial to society. I guess that's inter-dependent on my belief that gay people should be allowed to adopt with the same ease that heterosexual people or couples do.
3) Crime. This may seem like a petty thing to nit-pick at, but its a big deal: she supports the three-strikes rule.Oh jesus. And the incarceration of an entire demographic of young black men will continue to be locked away.
4) the Environment. She's nothign special. Alright. But i feel like we need to have a whirlwind force of environmental passion in office to make any difference in this feild.
5)Foreign policy. She's flip-flopped about Cuba, which again is annoying, but actually doesn't matter much because it's cuba.This isn't the only instance. In the 1960's she was pro PLO ( palestine) and by the 1980's she was ademently pro israel. If these countries were people, this woud look like a lot of mtv drama. Not having it. Then again, time occurs, history happens, things change, and I like that she includes the shifting 'inter-personal relations' of countries as part of the the greater context. So this is a bitter-sweet con with a hint of pro.

Other issues, i don't have enough beef with where she stands and has stood to bitch about. Wow. Tommorrow ill get to obama, maybe.

Fight for our right...

The American people have spoken: we want democracy. The obvious dictatorship which has formed over time in the executive branch has become more extreme and transparent in the past 8 years, and the American sheeple are finally, FINALLY, not having it.Thank. Fucking. God.

These are the most hopeful statistics i have read in a long, long time.

The Democratic caucuses in Iowa saw nearly twice as many voters as expected.1
Voter turnout among young people was three times higher than in 2004.2
In New Hampshire, so many people voted that they almost ran out of ballots.3

Sources:
1. "Iowa, New Hampshire are appetizers," Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, January 12, 2008
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=706468
2. "Youth Involvement Soars In Iowa," N.H., CBS News, January 8, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=3331&id=11939-7246310-U9cfgx&t=254
3. "Voter turnout in New Hampshire sets new primary record," Associated Press, January 9, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=3332&id=11939-7246310-U9cfgx&t=255

And now, to read more statistics, but these much less exciting and from a textbook. Hurrah!

Dance, Dance: El Revolucion FREE WRITE

Free Write

Dancing is a strange, strange innate reaction. Throughout time and cultures, music has been a difibrillator; the body can't help but jolt when it shocks, a nessesary convulsion to jump-start living instead of being.

I love waking up, like i did today, realizing that I danced through the night and into the morning. Despite the fact that I like to video-ho dance or walk it out or thizzle dance now and again, I've always thought that pop culture bumping and grinding is really, really strange phenomena. Sometimes it can seem sexual, and sometimes it can BE sexual. Example: a girl had sex on the dance floor at a high school dance my 8th grade year. Of course, the story trickled down into the middle school and set a precedent for the high school experiance. I wonder if popular dancing now in America is much more sexual because it's expolited and trivialized in the media, or as Michelle Foucault may suggest, the exact opposite with the sexual repression hypothesis. Foucault uses bigger words than the news or any reality show, so i'll believe him. Kidding, obviously, being educated doesn't always, or even usually, positivley correlate with one's intelligence. Take a guy who graduated from Cornell and Yale and aced every test along the way because he can memorize like none other, BUT, he can still be an idiot if he has no fluid intelligence and can't think abstractly to cross-apply concepts and solutions. No creativity, no new problem-solving. I think this stream of conciousness thought is a defense mechanism, trying to convince myself that fluid intelligence is superior to crystalalized intelligence ( when really they are probably inter-dependent) because I can't memorize worth shit ( once again, proven to me in this mornings readings) and holding this false cognition spurs a higher opinion of my own abilities. I just called myself out on that one, but honestly, think about how many other examples of this-changing one's thoughts to match their behavior or their behvaior to match their thoughts- we do on an ongoing basis. In this case, lying to ourselves is actually an emotional adaptation. Is it a bad thing to lie? Is there any statement that exists in the universe that deserves an 'always?' There is nothing always about this world. Just because people have loved dancing in the past and still seem to doesn't mean the future promises more dancing. Some people ( i don't get this) don't even like to dance. Go figure.

Say Cheese

I am so tired it literally aches.Which, actually, is a glorious change of pace. My bed is only an arms length away from me, but before I treat myself, there are some things that may not make any sense to anyone but who it makes sense to which I want to put out there:Confused....what?I'm tired. The roller coaster and end result had absolutley nothing to do with the original issue at hand. There was absolutley no logic used. My question originally was ' is it because of Y or X' and you said 'Y' and hours later i delcared that it should be because of 'X'....again...what? Again, I'm tired. Again, I'm confused. Again, what the fuck. I am done for the night; yesterday and today were both fun overall so i bet tomorrow will be too.

get lifted- john legend

Life is amusing.

Different SCenery, Same SCene

There must be some reason why my body is treating sleep like a toxin.

I think i'll skipping the whole r.e.m. hype tonight, unpack a bit, and head to class when im done at 9 something. The pittiful alternative: that quintesential, frusterating restless-nighttime-routine where every fiber of the logical fabric is begging the heart to orchastrate the body with a slow,steady, soothing rhythem. Split into two; the mind forfeits its civilized ego and grovels down to the feet, the body, the animal,pleading for rest. What a simple pleasure--just rest.

Nightmare.Or is this a magnificint Dream? Who the fuck knows. A Few Nights Ago. It may be pg-13. IMPORTANT NOTE: im not writng this shit to get attention or worry or pity. The fact of the matter is, it's nearly 7 am now, and im just reminiscing over those good old days when i slept. Err, kinda. nobody worry about me, its all gravy, just having trouble with my sleeping cycle and having some crazy ass nightime private cinimea flicks in my head that are worth me remembering to try and figure out why i have them so i can stop having them and sleep like a real person. that being said...

One day I fell into a deep sea, penetratrating blue. Liquid ice, wrapping around me like a mummy, remorseless bitting cold. Frost glazed over my eyes.Ice weighed down my tounge; even if I knew words to try and explain, which i didn't, i couldn't have murmured a thing. I knew I was sinking. At first I fought gravity, kicking, trying to float. Submerged. Slowly, gently, but persistantly and forcefully submerged.Paralyzed: further down i go, matallic frantic fear, rational fear, worry,anxiety, acceptance. Contact, the sea floor.I look at the hazy aqua marine sky above, ripples the whispering clouds . Just Be. Undercurrents rocked me back and fourth, back and fourth, a daughter of the sea. Heavy eyes, exhausted lungs, back and fourth, hypnotized to sleep by the submarine lullaby. Everyday I woke up, I was closer to the surface. Eventually I felt the suns rays sting my back, penetrating through the shallow bay. Dethawed, alive, air, stretch. Hiked to the top of a twisted, knotted hill. Gazed into the sea 100 feet blow, and it gazed back. I was glad to be out, but appriciative I had the opportunity to not be a tourist, to be a real local, in the water. no longer scared, at peace, inhale exhale, brave curious strong warrior simle leap land, invincible.

My attempt at interpretation when i awoke: I have to re-learn to trust the night. tease my imigination to just drift one cloud further into a dream, a slumer, and a rejuvinated awakening.

Awake.Hopefully, that will be a relevant concept in my law class at 6 pm tonight. night.

First day back, full throtle

I am usually a Red Bull patron, unless dire circumstances corner me into drinking competing energy drinks which look suspiciously like bile, and I imagine don't taste much better. But for the sake of the metaphor,today, my first complete day back at SC, was definitly Full Throtle.

Woke after the roosters, but before the unemployed. Sarah and I talked/danced/organized our lives/cleaned. Cleansed myself. Starbucks with Hannah and her mom, who I had the pleasure of meeting for the first time. Went to the AT&T store in the UV which reaks like cleaning supplies and mold. I guess the cleaning suplies aren't working? Hollywood hills. Target. Circut City. Joans on 3rd. Started to drive back. hannah's phone is missing and miraculously picked up on the street by a stranger about 20 minutes from where we were. We resured the lost electronic, drove back to SC. Meet and re-greet back roomates. Run in run out of the appartment. Meet Todd. Bookstore. Spend my life savings on a few of my books. Law officially scares the hell out of me; the literatures is thicker than girls in Nelly music videos. Rnadom people run ins. Make it out just as the store is closing. More life/desk organizing at appt with buddy todd and roomates. Around 6 something. Friends come over to fetch bike on our 4th foor security balcony. Chat, laugh, catchup. I run out the door for the wsa-eboard meeting. Just me sarah and caroline. Talk 5% business and 95% bizzznasss, if you know what I'm sayin. Caroline drives me home. Love Caroline. Organized life some more. Sarah comes home. We half-ass plan an adventure. It's almost 11 pm. Todd lost his phone. Comes back over to search. Bryan comes over. We keep our adventure a secret covert mission but insist they join in. We try to throw them off the scent, but they come. We made fresh baked cookies in the shape of letters to give to our freinds in el habitat Sooooz. If they were home, they wouldn't refuse to hang out with us since we were bearing gifts. Homebaked gifts, mind you. If they weren't home, we had a randsom note made with a backup plan. They were home. Chilled there for an hour or two. Brad is a monkey/robot. The glasses ate my face. Left. Still no luck finding todds phone. Hannah's phone karma must have snagged the luck for the day. Met up with josh. Errand, 'kickback.' ray charles and jewell and some angry black man with a gun were there too. Now, im trying to lull myself to sleep for a few hours before tomorrow starts. The first day of school!!!! I should go iron my blouse and brush my teeth again and coordinate my hair scrunchie to my lisa frank backpack.
actually...that would be pretty sick. Word. Hah.

goodnight moon

Clairvoyance is an annoying s.o.b

Today I got next semester in order. Uhh...yikes. Once again, bit off more than I can chew. I'm trying to aviod the same mistakes i made last semester, but I've already set myself up to be overbooked and under-funned.

Still not so sure I can manage it all. BUT at least almost everything is something i really enjoy. speaking of which, i looked over the women's leadership retreat itenerary. looks excelent. awesome. I am still keeping my vow to spend as much time around people i like as i do with books and in club events and meetings. we'll see how that goes. good thing the two overlap, that makes it easier on my part.

I am somewhat peeved. Kinda feel like it would be nice if my family didn't peace out on my last day and night here. It's like what, almost 1 am, and im still home alone. I like to be alone, it's generally really nice, but come on fam...see you over spring break? Maybe. I don't really see the point of flying home for less than a week when most of my portland friends have different spring breaks AND there's a lot of cool asb shiz to look into. See you over the summer? Mmmm, maybe. Working on scoreing an internship in Clintons la office over the summer if the cost-analysis of it all comes up that i still make money and im able to figure out transportation. Soo..see you next winter break? Probably. In which case, happy passover, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dad, happy mother and fathers day, happy fourth of july, happy birthday bro, and happy hannukah again. Glad you all care enough to say goodbye. Sons of bitches, haha. Sons of bitches...

PS im taking the link to this blog off of my facebook profile so i can actually write. youve been warned.

PSS
...Wow...didn't realize how emo my writing is until i re-read it.Blink 182, you steal my blog for pathetic lyrics about fallen loves or daddy issues, you die. Warning #2.

Shredding

Today, I earased thousands of paper trails telling hundreds of Oprah caliber tragedies. In 2005, the government decided they needed to keep better track of the poor. Seems like the rich have a little more sway, but whatever, they wanted the poor so they got the poor. Or at least every detail of their paper records avalible to them from the shelter. Thus, I was the Grim Reaper, out with the old records and makeing room for the new. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a college kid, I live to file. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but it was a really strange experiance. I read a lot of the files before shedding them. Saw their names, their handwriting, the downward spiraling plots of their lifes and why they ended up in a DV shelter, psychological history, drug/alcohol history, and ( the most tragic of it all) their children's bios as well. One resident in her intake was filling out information about her todler son. A photo of the little guy fell out when i opened it up.The little guy was precious, bright eyed and blonde in the cutest Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls. He looked like a fallen angel. The attached interview with the mother made me gag. " Did you smoke tabbaco, drink alcohol, or use drugs during your pregnancy?" Yes. " If yes, please list." Crack. " Do you think the prenatal drug and/r alcohol use impacted the child?" No... Reading on, I was in complete disbelief. The kid was a premi-baby, extremely anemic, and exhibited strange social behaviors...moms like that frusterated the hell out of me. Until I turned the page, and read the mom's history, and then i really had a hard time seeing her as the Evil Jafar figure. And, i could be wrong, but i have a nagging feeling that if i could go back further, I'd find a lot of the same situations in grandmothers and beyond. One case manager described this phenomeneon to me as there's comfort in what one's familiar with. Another pointed out, that even in a dv shelter, most women belive that d.v. is not a crime. So there I am, shredding away, earasing decade old files of now-adults who may be living or dead, abused or liberated, maladjusted or matured. I was just wondering, if one decade later after rock bottom, these people were still sturggling with their same baggage or if they'd moved on.
guess ill never know.

In other news ( pun intended), political News Watch:
Clinton scrapes by to win New Hampshire. Some claim that putting Clinton in the victim role, that is Obama and Edwards teaming up togther and criticizing Hilary in the debates, acually helped Hilary win the woman vote via empathy. Or perhaps, sympathy.

Bill Richardson only got 4% of the new hampshire vote, which is a slight improvement from the 2% he got in Iowa. Thus, the presidential rat race is no longer worth his time, energy and financial resources. He dropped. I liked thatguy, it's too bad. The real question is where is the 6 million extra fundraising dollars to his campaign going? he raised like 19 mil...and only spent 13 mil...woops?

Dream Watch
Terrible, fitfull sleep. No dreams. But i did wake up twice and guzzle a water bottle. I really should hydrate during the waking hours, haha strange...

इस थे

Is the game of school just an assembely line to create the ultimate middle man? Learn some addition, learn some logic and reasoning, become literate, socialized, and distracted....until one day you're 45 years old working a 5 figure jobs that pays the bills and sends the 2 kids to summer camp and realize that what you do in the cubicle has little to no purpose. You're a helpless mouse running exhausted on the wheel of work trapped inside of a capitalist cage. What went wrong? You went to pre-school, elementary, middle and highschool, occasionally skipping class but mostly passing and participating.You even went to college, taking out loans ( which you're still paying off..) to buy what other deemed The KeY That Will Open The Doors To Your Future.

The Forbes Top 400 Richest American's list seems to send another message. The richest man in America, Bill Gates, is a college dropout. Third richest man, self-made gabeling tycoon Sheldon Adelson, also a college drop out.Fourth richest man, Lawrence Ellison the self-made software guy who started the oracle program,was a college dropout. Number 5, Paul Allen who co-founded microsoft and is a local portland celeb for owning the Blazers, is a college drop out. And then 6,7,8,and 10 are all Walton's, as in the Wallmart Walton family, and i think only one of them went to college and teh rest was a combinatiom of inheritance and self made hard work. Number 9, Michael Dell, was, of course, a drop out too.

School is for the middle/ upper-middle class. TO be rich or perpetually on welfare, no school is the way to go.

What would Freud Say? This is a new random segement of my blog dedicated to sharing some of my dreams. I really don't think dream analysis is that valid...but maybe if i log it, analyze it, and then see what actually happens in this life of mine it can be like a little experiment.
Events before sleep: big fight with mom, painted, left for a friends basement and smoked whatever i could ( weed, hookah, cigarettes)until about 3 am. Got to bed at about 5 am.
The dream: Knealing, shivering, and clutching the edges of a long see-through glass table in an ill lit room. I am essentially alone, despite being sourounded by people, and am dorwning in a sea of drugs. IV's dripping morphine into my veins,I'm on all fours, bent over a mirror and taking line after line with both nostrils at once. I don't feel numbed, or drunk, or tranquilized, or an inflated, manic ego; I just feel anxious and confused. Hint: this was not a realistic dream. It falls somewhere between a lie, a sick curiosity and a dramatization.

this is weird. a dream analysis sight said THIS about the symbol of drugs in a dream. "Illigal drugs can mean that you feel someone is trying to exert negative control over you, especially the kind that suppresses your self-identity, or that someone is showing disrespect for your well-being in order to boost their own ego." That was SOO the fight with my mom. Tonight i had a really similar fight with my dad. Too sleep or not to sleep, that is now the question...?

floetry

I'm usually not a big smoker; we all know i blow enough steam on this blog...haha, I'm so punny! But tonight I did. The night was full of basement and Bullworth. When the debachery ended, I came home and re-read my favorite poem by the fire. It'd been a while since i last read it, and i swear every time is like the first time. It is like respiration for the bohemian soul. For a long time in my young life, i was kinda just like, 'shit, all of the poetry I'm exposed to is written by hysterical/depressed white women or rich, alcoholic white men who are elite and write angsty and/or depressed and/or melodramatic reflections of blades of grass, ravens and seclusion.' But then came shakespear. Sorry for insulting any literary egg-heads out there, but even though I respect shakespear, I never really connected to his work...or to THIER work, depending on the conspiracy theory you buy into. Then came some black women poets which were beautiful and got me to rethinking my anti-poetry-for-pleasure stance. Then came some holocaust ghetto poetry and that shit is unreal, like so touching it should be illigal. AND THEN came along my favorite poem, the one i just ate for dessert. It's lengthy, but compared to Paradise Lost it's practically a haiku so i DARE you to read the entire thing through. Here are some lines as teasers. MM its 4:32 am and i have to get up for work soon. A suprise shift, hurray! gnight.
the poem-->
http://members.tripod.com/~Sprayberry/poems/howl.txt

"who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston
seeking jazz or sex or soup, and followed the
brilliant Spaniard to converse about America
and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship
to Africa,
who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving
behind nothing but the shadow of dungarees
and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in fire
place Chicago,
who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the
F.B.I. in beards and shorts with big pacifist
eyes sexy in their dark skin passing out incom-
prehensible leaflets,
who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting
the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism,
who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union
Square weeping and undressing while the sirens
of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed
down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also
wailed,
who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked
and trembling before the machinery of other
skeletons..."

PostDebateDebrief

The lessons we learn in elementary school are the most practical and valuable wikis in our mental encyclopedias as far as everyday life goes. Remember the golden rule? Treat others the way you want to be treated is just a cheap knockoff of Ghandi's famous non-violent theory of change, 'be the change you wish to see.'And let's get real: when is the last time you applied pre-calc parabolas to a real life situation? Division is about as complicated as it gets on any given day for the average joe. If a kid graduates the 5th grade without knowing the rules of the playground, they will get eaten alive in the adult jungle. Although there are differences in locations, sizes, etc of seperate schools, some lessons are universal. Example: picking on other kids is a sign of insecurity with oneself. Let's keep that in mind when reviewing the turning political tides after last nights debate.

The post below shows what I thought about the debate while it was going on, but this post is looking more at the news medias response to last nights debate. I actually ( actually...) think that the new's response has about 394987 times more sway to service or diservice the candidates than their own words in the debate itself. An extreme example is howard dean. Last election he was in the race for the democratic ticket, got a little excited during a rally and starting spouting out all of the states he was going to win, and really pumped up his audience and supporters. HOWEVER, taken out of context, spliced, edited and given ridiculous commentary, the new's media was able to make him look insane and essential spoiled his campaign and temporarily his legitimacy as a stable, capable politician. As far as last night's debate goes...it was about 2 hours of discussion.Nothing expoded.No fireworks. Nobody morphed into the Hulk. No candidate even said anything that they hadn't voiced before. Two hours of glorious reiteration. I don't mean to belittle it, it was still sweet. BUT, mirrraculously, all of the new's media seem to colectivley decide on the key moments in the debate. Their collective hypervigilant eye waits for one grimace, one overly assertive tone, one gesture that, examined in isolation, could grab the eye and the wallet of the American public who will be walking by the newstands and browsing online the next day. It's not even about the issues...dolla dolla bills ya'll.

Now, watch me do magic and integrate what i initially said about the bullies and what i just said about the giant advertising combine that we call 'The News.' The news nit-picked at the debate. If i didn't see it last night and just read the news today, i would not get an accurate impression. For starters, the way they portray the candidates is nothing short of petty sterotypes. EWdwards is the charming southern gentalmen, obama is black and so abc labels his demeanor as "cool" and Hilary is depicted as a bitch going through menopause. So the news is making a tv sitcom out of these real people, and the real poeople aren't even focused on what they are saying because they are defacing eachother to try and make themselves look better but it just makes them look like they have nothing better to offer. The bully syndrome.

Now ive been at work for 7.5 hours and im talking out of my ass ( which explains half of the blogs this break...) and i should really be sitting in silence sitting at a blank screen and mourn my last full shift before i go back to school. Pour some out for my job tonight.

pre new hampshire GOP/DEM debates

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD INTELLECTUAL ORGASM OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

PACING AROUND MY HOUSE, SCREAMING AT TV MANIC MANIC MANIC PERIODICALLY JOTTING DOWN THE NOTES ( BELOW) ON MY THOUGHTS:

The republican debate:

On Foreign Policy/ The Surge-- ALL of the republicans except Ron Paul sound uneducated. This is baffeling. This is sopposed to be a panel of the best leaders in the united states. I do not understand why their banter sounds about as wordly as the guys shootin the shit on King of the Hill, sippin on budwiser in wife-beaters on their proud texan lawns.I am straight up OFFENDED on their views of Islam as intrinsically fundamental and evil. Their logic generally follows that a foreign policy that is based on preemptive strikes and a borderline -personailty-disorder-all-or-nothing-esque 'with us or against us we're America suck our dick' attitude is the most safe and best way to go. Sounds great guys, too bad the international laws of war vehemently disagree. And guess what? So do I.

On Immigration--Immigrats are good when they're legal but we should not grant amnesty to the illigal immigrants here, we should probably build a fence to mexico, and even ask the name of every immigrant who comes over across the border.Isn't that nice? ALl of these ideals coming white christian men who wag their fingers at people fleeing economic and political upheaveal. Add sociopaths to the list of labels because apperantly they are unable to have any empathy.

On Health care-- And i quote rudy guilani on his one statement which he didn't root back to 9-11, " But where would the canadians go for the best health care if it was socialized in America?" This is like the wheel of fortune talk. He left a few words out. I think he meant, ' where would the RICH canadians go for the BEST health care?' Ya know what,? legit question. But why the hell are we worrying about the care of the few rich instead of the mass majoirty of the normal people who can't afford basic health care? And what about prevention instead of delayed reaction care?

On energy-- This was disheartening. Some of the candidates believe in global warming, others believe in free market. Some want more nuclear energy, some used the slippery slope argument that ' shina does it!' for a reason to continue using oil...but from less venemous countries, of course. I think there was one guy who said that renewable energy should be at the forefront of the domestic policy.

They all kept reiterating that America is the greatest nation on earth. Aww.

THE DEMOCRATSSSSSSSS!

Little things that i notice. In earlier debates Clinton used to be complimentary of her co-demo candidates because she was ahead in polls and now she is hardened and jabbings at the inconsistancies in obama and edwards instead of focusing on her platform. Except she did mentio nthat she would get the troops out of iraq in 60 days after taking office. woah.
Obama still looks like tiger woods and is playing mediator. Very poised. He was accused, mostly by Clinton and mostly accurately, of changing his position and plan for healthcare over the past three years, of having a half-baked health care plan, of being a bunch of empty talk under his CHANGE campaign, of many many things. And he accused clinton of...nothing. He addressed what he was accused of, kind of. Edwards started saying ' if im president' and finished out asserting, shoulders back, 'When I am the president of these united states...'. Needless to say, he did well. I think he's trying to play the average white guy role next to a mexican, a woman and a black. I've never paid much attention to him before, but I dig the guy. I think they would all make good vice presidents. Except Hilary. I don't see her being the wing-man on this operation. I mean, it would be like having an eleven year old kid be your time manegement toutor. It'd be like, dude, maybe you can manage your time on the playground but i've been organizing my time for 35 years against lobbyists and major corporations and republican regimes, why are YOU telling ME what to do? Even Mr. 4% in-the-polls himself Bill Richardson, he was great. But i think he ruined his marginal shot by making too much sense. There is no place for logic in Washington.
After watching the democrats go at it, who by the way were much more cordial to one another than their republican nemisis', I've come to the conclusion that I would be more pleased living under any of their executive guidance than the present one, which is good. Rudy Guliani, however, he's his own issue. I really, really do not like the man. and as of present, he is the leading republican in the polls. I'm keeping all of my hair and fingers crossed that the political see-saw just won't fall under the weight of the elephant.

The फुन्दमेंतल( इस्ट्स)

Tonight is the GOP/Democratic New Hampshire debate. I will be tunning in.

This Mike Huckabee character from the GOP seemingly came out of Nowheresville. I dunno, is Arkansas somewhere? The regular Kansas is barely somewhere, Arkansas is stretch in my book. Minus Bill Clinton and an accent which makes my speech sound much more sophistacted by comparrison, Arkansas seems to just exist, not produce. Huckabee was the Governor of Arkansas. He has also been a Southern Baptist minister. His education backround, none other than the pretigous biblical studies. Which, to be fair, is kind of like philosophy minus the fact that he used the degree to practice as a preacher. What did he preech, you ask? The Southern Baptist Doctrine, naturally.

The agnostic northwest 'tude regards those southern baptists and eveangelicals as absent minded sheep. I wasn't so sure that was fair, and I'm still not, but I did some research on the Southern Baptists to actually see what was up and what beliefs are held near and dear to the heart of a (maybe) president to be. Interesting stuff:

1.On Sexuality—We affirm God's plan for marriage and sexual intimacy—one man, and one woman, for life. Homosexuality is not a "valid alternative lifestyle."
2.On Sanctity of life—At the moment of conception, a new being enters the universe, a human being, a being created in God's image.
3. On Family-Article XVIII. The Family. The husband and wife are of equal worth before God, since both are created in God's image. The marriage relationship models the way God relates to his people. A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ. She, being in the image of God as is her husband and thus equal to him, has the God-given responsibility to respect her husband and to serve as his helper in managing the household and nurturing the next generation.

I wouldn't vote or not vote for someone because of their race or gender. But I have to admit my own inconsistancy: religion may be a deal-breaker. If this dude has spent meaningful yeras of his life preaching this stuff and I don't nessesarily agree with it ( southern baptists also literally interpret the word of The Holy Bible), then that seems like a good enough reason not to support him/her. But whichever way i settle it's inconsistant; if i refuse to support huckabee ( not that i would anyway) because of his religion, then logic woudl follow i would use the same discriminatory guideline for the rest of the candidates. In which case, i couldn't vote. I guess God blessed his christian chldren with the talent of politics...or something.DISCLAIMER: I not this big of a bigot in person. When it comes to religon, to each his own...i just don't want his own legislativley mandated to every each in America, if you catch my drift.


Another creepy note: all of the candidates have facebook profiles. Moreover, too many of them listen "hunting" as their #1 activity.

And another thing. Bill Richardson is half-mexican. I don't get why the entire country is going nuts shouting " are you ready for a (half)black president!?!" from every f'ing rooftop, but there is NOT A PEEP about richardsons latino-ness.Interesting, no? I'm thinking he may end up getting the VP ticket. Him or Obama. Him or Obama or Edwards.

What a fun, unexpected past few days. Lani, josh and WARCRAFT migrated north from LA for the winter break and i got to catch up with them mid-flight. Seeing as I'm pretty sure those are the same three people who have recently told me they've looked at this blog, there's nothing really to say except that was really fun guys. Holler.

Today at the shelter I heard the second most heart-wrenching story i've heard to date from a resident. So angry at the fucking system. All of the systems. BAH

laughing out loud

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The good: i think i know what i want to do after college and before grad and/or law school.
The bad: One out of every 4 people that apply get in. yikes.
The ugly: the attached link is an affiliate organization. Lot's of volunteer/ social programs websites are cheesy as hell. Small, skinny clack children smilling wider than jackolanterns, arms wrapped around a nerdy bill gates look alike, the works. Back when i was doing the youth suicide hotline we went started outreach in cyber support groups and emails and made a website. I helped, and it was cheesy. You cannot aviod it. HOWEVER, this is something else. After 9-11, Bush created the FreedomCorps. Or did he? I'm pretty sure what he actually did was piggyback on Americoprs hard work and make the cheesy-est promotional website dedicated to himself I've ever seen.

But if i could get into americorps, that would be fantastic.

Blinded बी थे LIght

"And she was blinded by the light
Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night
Blinded by the light"
- Bruce Springstein

It's like Springstein himself was there with me at the New Years eve rave last night. Except if he had said that, I wouldn't have heard him. I was also Deafened by the Sound. I don't really know how to put that empty-steel-warehouse turned multi-media presentation on crack into words. The atmosphere was surreal, literally, it had the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream.The music.A maze of rooms each Dj'ed to it's own beat which seizured the body like recharging an old batery. The strangers. The liberation of anonymity, the unspoken bond that came from that with other people who felt the same way. The colors. Rainbow lazers, disco balls, and projected screens fitting graphics to the music. The smells. Weed, sweat, and crisp oregon air drifting inside. Oregon in a box. Mesmerizing, entrancing lost in a parrallel universe of unfilted color and vibration. The best option, the compulsion, the only option really is all the same: Dance. And Dance we did. But it's a different kind of dance than Akon or Soulja Boy demand. You feel the music then, but you don't lose yourself in it. At least I'm fully concious of my movement and the presence/engagement of people around me at dance parties. But at the rave, we just let go. It was almost spiritual ya know, just dancing away any bitterness from 2007 and ushering in the new year through extascy. Not the drug, the emotion. It was great, a random and great adventure. I liked starting the new year off with a new experiance.

How I got to the rave was random. I was at a friends party where i thought i was going to be celebrating new years and got propositioned by a buddy: " I'm leaving, wanna come to a rave. I'm meeting my cousin." And I did what I've been trying to do more frequently--just say Yes. So I did. And who else do i see at the rave, the ONLY person aside from the people i was with who i knew, but my COUSIN! So random, I've never seen here outside of a family function in my life and we live in the same city. But there she was, high as fuck, and there i was, high as fuck, and we just looked at eachother and started cracking up. I still can't believe it. Then she asked me if she could deal my friends drugs.At least she offered a family discount. It seems really peculiar to me that we are cousins, genetically more similar than most people on this earth, and our lives have both gone sterotypically in lines with the parts of town we grew up in. North/NE portland vs SW portland, separated by a river and a whole lot more. I looked at her friends(two cute thugs sellin drugs in the corner of a rave who may or may not have been in gangs.. i saw the colors but not tats)versus my freinds ( an all american boy who attends tulane and looks like he belongs in the Young Republican for Cannibus club and a girl who essentially is not working on being a supermodel although she could because she's too smart and creative and talented with art and design) and then there was me and my cousin. Kinda in the middle. And really, our freinds aren't that much different when it comes down to it. Different by label, group affiliation and apperance, but seemingly the same existential angst and love for fun. It was cool.

New years resolution. I used to make 25 and put them in little peices of oragami fold ups in my room, and i actually only did about 5 of them throughout the year. That was in my more ocd days. Now I have one, and i am determined as hell to actually keep it. It's probably the hardest resolution i've ever set myself up again, but if i can do it, it will undoubtably be the most rewarding. We'll see how tough I am.