Evil Missionary

Most people seem to doubt Mr. Bush's compacity to continue to fuck up with such limited time left in his presidency. If's he's proven anything to America, it's that his potential for moral debachery is swift and infinite. What's up his sleeve now? The Times/Aol/Warner conglomerate no doubt has a left bias. I'm annoyed that all of these info-tainment news hubs report their stories in cryptic code; I can't just read a freaking news story, I have to read, readjust the story in context,reinterpret it through a neutral lens, and reason out the significance of the story in general. If I wasn't a freak and didn't enjoy knowing crap, I wouldn't go through that trouble and remain (more) confused. I'm sorry, America, it's not fair. In a recent article, Times states:"Renewed violence in Afghanistan threatens to undermine President Bush's foreign policy initiatives." Wait, really? The US foreign policy in Afghanistan is stupid. Quick synopsis: Terrorist attack on september 11th--> Bush Administration and his newley established ' War Cabinet' demand Afghanistan's Taliban to hand over bin Laden or else face attack( despite the fact that most of the pilots were from saudi arabia aka the Bush Family's personal oil bitch)-->Afghanistan ask's US to give evidence that bin Laden was behind the attacks, and America can't and doesn't but just gets frusterated and invades Kabul-->America overthrows the Taliban government and re-installs an old president leaving the country in political and economic upheval-->Afghanistan was sent to saudi arabia and was never to be touched white western hands--> US sends hundreds of afghani's to guantanamo and tortures them. If you ask me, the real reason we invaded afghanistan was to a) get a permanent base set up in the middle east so we're close to the 'axis of evil' and b) have a base set up close to china and india and russia. Anyway, America's foreign policy when it comes to afghanistan is pathetic; we use a western lens to analyze the shortcomings of their political and social culture and use that as more of a reason for our presence there. They are not a threat. So there is now a reported elevated violence in Afghanistan. So what does Bush do? Go on a tour throughout the middle east to gain support.For...further imperialism? Let's think this one through. Western influence eradicating authentic middle eastern culture and the intimate US oil-for-weapons trade arangement are in large part what prompted these radical traditionalist groups. Is Bush too dense to see simple cause and effect? So the US was there, then the US got kicked out with a new traditional uprising against the US, and now the US is back and is sighting signs up more uprising ( ' increased violence') as a reason to STAY? Is bush nuts?

I think that Bush thinks he's doing missionary work, weather or not that infers that he's acting from a religous mindset.

I do not like missionaries. I do like the Peace Corps. The difference: the peace core ( usually) asks the people who live there about what changes they want to se instead of deciding that for them.

Allllright. Now to go put on some makeup and go party. HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYY NEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRS!!! next post- my resolution.

tilted 23 degrees

Free Write

Suffocating, restless, secrets.All or nothing.

I'm about to implode. Literally, my belly button will transform into a dark, unknown vortex and suck in everything fleshy and freckley around it. I'm lost. And i don't are if it's a cultural taboo to admit one's own shortcomings but I am fucking lost and it is fucking dark outside and not even the smooth sounds of john legend are jazzing me up.So many things are making my blood boil.I just want to unscrew my hands, unscrew my feet and just let all of the viscous magma out of my fucking body. I wanna Chain smoke and build it in my lungs and fill them until they burn and singe and inhale inhale and let it wallow in the open cavern that is my chest. and hold it, then inhale and it billows up into my head. dizzy dizzy out my ears and into the stagnant silent air and nobody sees anything is wrong. Fix me fucking fix me beacuse i can't fix myself. Hold me, im so fucking cold and alone and detached and sourounded by tragedy because i cannot take a break from work because I am poor. I. Need. A. Fucking. Break.It's not called winter work season. Nuts. I'm going nuts there some day. I love it and i hate it just like everything else in my life i feel it in extremes.
I call the fucking ambulance to save a seizuring womans life. Actually, not a big deal. But today she cries and looks me in the eye and tells me i don't give a shit about helping women, that i don't give a shit about what she has to say and the other staff and I are a self-interested joke. Haaah. I really had the option of ignoring my walkie-talkie, eating dinner, and letting her continue to seizure in the rain until she flatlined for the last time. But then the fact that i got so emotionally defensive made me think that there may be some truth in what she was saying. And when i really thoguht about it, she was mostly right. I work at the shelter for mostly selfish reasons. I do it because it's humbeling and a learning experiance and I am inspired by the resiliance of every woman and child who works and lives there. I get all of that out of having the shelter be a novelty in my life for a month here, a summer there, and at the end of my 9 hour shifts I float away to their anti-world. I care about these women to be in the highest spirits possible when im there and do the best job i can, but then...what? Do i actually gibve a fuck about these individuals. Yes. But because they are them? Maybe. Because that could just as easily be me. More likley. It's fucking selfish. And honestly, a shelter is kind of where i see myself living in about 45 years. There is no way the collaboration of my self-destructive habits and mindset by then wont melt me in a puddle. Like Alex Mack.....( hiatus taken out in free write).... i just want to break free. release.
Another lady at the shelter told me about what i twas like to hear voices to kill your grandkids, and another told me that this shelter saved her life so at the end of the day i guess my view of how im spending my fucking days is somewhat balanced. fter work i went to an AA meeting because most women at the shelter go and so does the staff and , well, friends and family.I wanted to see what was up.And, after stories, ive decided: I AM STILL SO MUCH MORE FUCKED UP THAN THSE PEOPLE. At least they are activly on the road to recovery, i just ruminate and i can try my fucking hardest to be all i can but it falls short. god some of them had been though shiiiiiiiiiit though, but they seem logical. i am inept, completly unable to function, and all ihave e is impulse and impulse isgoing to fucking kill me and its probaly good i cant afford hard drugs 24/7 because i would most likley let myself slip into a nodding, blissfull addiction fuck.Thank god for being poor?

Confessions

Regret is stupid. Well, I'm being stupid and I know it and I can't help it. Actually, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me if i didn't regret some of the messed up childhod antics I'm ruminating over.

It's a slow Saturday morning at work.I finished Steven Colbert's book ( aweeeeesommmeee) and am blazing through book number two, Born On a Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant. It's written almost like a memoir; the author takes the reader from his birth throughout his life, as the title alludes to, inside the mind of an autistic savant. It's unexpedectly prompting my mind to tangent down memory lane...

I'm going to treat this blog like a little priestly confession box because I just need to get this out of my head. In elementary school, middle school and high school, I had classes with a wise, introspective boy named Thatcher. In fifth grade homeroom, he dominated show-and-tell time with an array of love-songs he wrote, reading aloud Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven ( which i associate with him to this day), and explaining his amusement park brain baby that he created to spend his inheritance on. Amoung other labels like creative and artsy, Thatcher was a higher-functioning Autistic boy. At the time I didn' stop to even think what the world could have looked like through his eyes. Reading this book is giving me insight to what coudl have made him comfortable ( routine, repitition, rocking, social isolation, numbers) and what could have been distressing ( loud noises, overstimulation, social confrontation, etc.) Unfortunately for his childhood and my belated guilty concious, I was a Bitch. The things we did to harrass that poor kid...name calling, getting every cool girl in class to stand around him in a circle and bob while making beeping noises and 'explode' after 13 bobs, poke fun, exclude him, and list goes on. Terrible shit. To rationalize it, my friends and I were equally mean to other non autistic kids. But I should have known better and been sensitive. My dad is handicapped for god sake, my uncle, my cousinS, my aunt...exposure to handicap mental and physical shold have given me some empathy. I wish i could take back harrassing thatcher now, but how the hell would i even do that?
There are a handful of people who recieved no mercy from me. One other girl in particular in 6th grade, I was a ringleader in terrorizing. It was bad--she ended up switching schools. I formally apologized to her before she left, but honestly, what difference does it make at a certain point? The breaking point when I realized what a Bitch I was came when ( on a dare) I threw a quarter at her when she was on all fours coloring a science project poster and said something to the likes of: " here's a quarter, go buy a bra." Yeah...since we all know I am quite volumptuous now, imagine the irony in a 11 year old version of me saying that statement, 4'3'' 60 lbs, whose only use for a bra was as a fashion acsessory.
I'm friends now with another girl I helped bully in the 5th grade, and we 'joked' about it the other day.One week "shun" was conveniently one of our spelling words. It happened to rhyme with her last name. That didn't work in her favor.
Another girl transferred to my middle school in the 7th grade from NY. She was in my Spanish class; on valentines day, I made really creepy valentines in spanish and gave them to her. She thought I was a lesbian until junior year of high school.
THe list goes on. I just don't think there is much point to still feeling guilty about all of this. There it is, in the open, out of me and onto paper.

Back to this book though, it is interesting. A character was introduced and became part of the story and plot. Later, the author explains, " Looking back, Anne was the personification of my feelings of lonliness and uncertanty." She never existed outside of his mind. HAhaha.What?

Diamond Encrusted Spankies

It's winter time. Even those who sleep nude (...I'm not judgeing) are probably inclined to wear pajamas. It's the holiday season. Even those who are ademently against the resteraunt 'tipping' conspiracy buy a gift or two to the people they care about. I mean, naturally, consumerism is the most patriotic way to communicate that you care.Just saw an advertisment for Victoria Secret Pajamas. Apperantly, they're only $29 and up! Fact: there isn't that much material or effort that goes into mass manufactering Santa slumber spankies.Contradicting fact: the pajamas cost almost 30 dollars. Possible explanations:Santa doesn't subsidize un-Christian undergarments, the spankies are woven wth golden thread by Rumplestilskin himself, or maybe they are vegan and kosher edible pajamas blessed by a Rabbi.It's probably the last one. Honestly, YEAH, I like frilly shit as much as the next girl, but a) those are not pajamas unless you enoy hypothermia and b) I don't think i could ever rationalize spending a few hours work to purchase something that an old jersey in my closet can provide for me for FREE. The catch is, if/when someone/my mom bought/buys me this stuff, rocking it is not an issue. So sue me,I was taught to consume as a gerber graduate before I even knew the alphabet.Second nature, and in this case, sexy second nature.

Today was bittersweet. Woke at 2 pm. Watched some Superbad, some of my closest friends came over and we shot the shit and laughed, went to a comedy/magic show downtownn with mom and dad and bro and his girlfriend, came home at 11 ish and now am going to bed to wake up in a few hours to go to work. chill day, indeed.

An Opinion

Most movies suck; however, Juno did not. I don't have the attention span for most movies, so take this opinion with the heavier-than-paper weight it deserves. To clairfy: It is not set in Alaska. I know, i thought so too. It's about a 16 year old girl who gets pregnant with her crush's baby...and goes through with the pregnancy process...and gives it up for adoption to a rich, white suberbian god-fearing lady. I bet Fox had an orgasm when they saw this storyline: teen girl is the protagonist, teen girl doesn't abort, teen girl ( easily?) gives her child to Jennifer Gardner. Color me a skeptic but i honestly don't believe that Fox Searchlightjust happened to randomly find this movie at the Toronto Film Festival, adopt and adapt it to be re-released as a feature film RIGHT before an election where abortion is a main issue both on the line to be lost or attained and establishing the line between parties. If a conservative administration owns the executive branch, it's likley that the next supreme court justices to be put in place ( unti he/she pretty much dies) will also be conservative, tipping the equillibrium and Roe v. Wade will be sucsessfully overturned.But maybe I'm looking to short-term to see the benifit of an abortionless nation. MAYBE after about 2 decades of that, the disparity between classeswill be so drastic (the lower clas will have many more children with much less government support to feed them, etc) that there will be a HUGE backlash REVOLUTION! This second civil war would actually foster inter-racial fraternity because accidental immaculation is colorblind, so white,black, mexican, etc would all be in the financial dog-house. The poor would team together to fight the rich assholes with a two pronged strategy: resistance through individual voices uniting as one in protest and action, and individuals accepting and saterizing their politicized bodies. The first part would accomplish the good ol trusty power in numbers, and the second part is a less concious and more acidic epidemic to the societal fabric.To make sense of that ambiguity, i'll pitch some historica context. When women were thought of as walking wombs with emotions and lacking logic and reasoning capabilities, there was an outbreak of hysteria; in the 50's when women were socially limited to the house, there was an outbreak of agoraphobia; and presently the standard of beauty for white women is very thin, and we're seeing an outbreak of eating disorders. SO I'm thinking in response to governments hand controlling women's bodies and forbiding them to decide their own trackfor motherhood, more than hands will be constantly laid turning the female into a perpeptual incubator producing child after child. Even though hysteria/agoraphobia/anorexia/human incubator are self-effacing methods of resisting society, they all sure as hell highlight the greater problem at hand. This revolution will actually be more like a religous battle;the poor will be fighting in the name of god because he's been the only benevolent guiding light in their battle with poverty, and the rich love god because they're particually made in his image, right. So guess who wins? The Poor. And how? Through self-destruction. Think of the LA riotsand the catastrophic damage done by burning down and looting their own/korean neighborhoods and imagine that carbon copied throughout the country. The economy would tumble down like pulling out the bottom peices in a Jenga set.Although the poor would lose more, the rich would have further to fall down when they fell. Goodbye abusing the domestic agriculture trade, goodbye export quota, goodbye American Dynasty. And we'd have to start a new. Law #1: Abortion allowed.



what a nerd.

Jigsaw

I was joking when I told my friend to pick me up from work at 11 pm downtown. But she wasn't when she said yes. Last night there was an epic reunion with 2 of my best freinds. The best part was, NO SMALL TALK. I think that's how it works with the cloest freinds, it didn't really matter how Indiana life was or how many bowls per day are smoked in Eugene, we immidiately just fell back into place laughing and tearing eachother apart. It's like, when we're all together things just seem complete.
More basements, more fun and folly, more reunions. I kinda miss the days when seeing these friends wasn't a reunion, it was just the regular.

फक्त और फिक्शन?

Overrated and Underrated

Overrated: The Superbowl. Follow up fact--the best commercials are either on a) daytime tv or b) late night tv. Depends on if you're in the mood to hear fake personal testimonials about a local bartending academy and/or 50 free dinners to Sharri's courtesy of Rick's Empire Glass OR penis enlargement pills branded under the fitting name, Extends. How those pills work is like the 8th wonder of the world to me. They're not like the zoloft commercials, which use depressed seritonin neurotransmitter cartoon bubbles to explain how SSRI's work. Oh no, Extends just says it works. And has TV ever lied? I think not.

Underrated: Stand-up and Improv Comedy.There is very little I would rather do than watch comedy. It's a win-win situation.If it's a good comedian you laugh with them, and if it's a bad comedian you still laugh at them. I'm watching shitty stand-up on comedy central as i type. This poor guy, his persona has subtley changed in the past 10 minutes...lesson be learned, don't put on a southern drawl unless you can keep it effortlessly. Tangent: I didn't use to be a feminist, but I've always been a comedy addict.I really resented women, in large part because female comidians were not as funny as male comidians. I mean, what the fuck, how would you like to have your idols be unfunny, and moreover, the butt of most the the jokes of the funny people? That's like a gay guy loving rap, specifically eminem. But now Tina Fey have saved the world, so I can sleep at night.

Overrated: Cherrios. Why use aol 2.0 when 7.0 is already out?
Underrated: root beet, banana chips and oatmeal.
Overrated: Small talk. Not the bee's knees.
Underrated: staring conversations with would you rather questions.
overrated: being a sports spectator.
underrated: being a people-watching spectator.
Overrated: entitlement.
underrated: thinking about the long string of work others put into creating that 'thing' getting that 'thing' in your hands.

Overrated: Comfort
Underrated: teamwork in fight of flight mode.
Follow story to this underrated: Worked tonight.Resident, park, boyfriend, seizure, seizure, found by other resident, rain, dragged to shelter, cement, shaking, moaning, foaming, unresponsive, thrashing arms, eyes roll backwards, they need me,co-in charge of shelter,must make decision but feel incompetent, I see seizure 6, 7, 8, 9, fight tears, fight fear, act, ambulance, beep beep beeeeeeeeeeep, flatline, stretcher, back to life, christmas eve, rain , residents pull on sleeve: morphine, morphine, oxy this, hydrooxy that, merry chirstmas. cigarette break.

I can't sleep, it's 4 30 am and i have this scene stuck in my head. such a victim to her own body. such a slave. so much pain. so animal. her eye hid inside of her head. rolled all the way back, just white . that noise, that smell, that pain, that fear. It stings me. I hurt. Im scared shitless. im really, really scared. Another high point of the night: months of sobriety to waste because im too much of a dumbass to read a situation correctly and let her walk out that door.TOday im going to bed feeling like my functioning in the world today did more harm than help. I hate these days.

This is a waste of time, i wrote it for myself, readto the detriment of your boredom

Homo Arigato

I never know who I will meet or what stories I will hear at the domestic violence shelter. The residents are inspirational. The high amount and spirit of people giving donations at this time of year is incredible... Gotta love last minute tax-write offs...and skepticism. But regardless of any self interested ends, the means are helpful so, meh.And the people I work with are all, so, so interesting. To sterotype my fellow case management assistants: women of all ages, colors and experianes who love to read and express themselves through writing, conversation and art. To sterotype the case managers and staff who run the place: compassionate, patient souls deeper than wells with this uncanny vital energy to understand and give which exudes a rejuvinating sense of hope. These aren't people, they're closer to an embodied liezon between the environmental reality and some lofty, intangible ideals of equality, justice and rebirth. They're like wombs. This all sounds sooooo cheesy; to clairfy, I'm not as much enamored with these women as I am perplexted. I wouldn't be cut out for a career in social work.These people are nuts.And I never know who I'm going to meet...

...Today I met caught up with someone old and met someone new( nothing blue...hah.) The old first. This summer, I bonded with a lady who defined resiliance. On paper, she with a schizophrenic ex-meth addict. Labels aside, in person she was painfully honest and wise and insightful.One time on the bus, some douchebag dealer spotted her meth tracks and tries to sell her drugs. Do you know how hard to it would be to say no to a thanksgiving feast when you're ravenous? But since it's a dry shelter, the choice was her roof or her love. I know what choice I would have made, and that's why I won't try meth. She held strong, and money says that's not the only time she's had to. She candidly confided in me about meth and what it's like inside a mind clouded with hallucinations and delusions.I thought I would never see her again when i left work for school because her mental stability was deteriorating...but low and behold, I was thrilled to find out that she is out of the shelter,out of the trenches of schizophrenia, and able to live independently in a welfare-government aided situation where she doesn't have to pay rent while she is going to school. Damn, I want that. She came by the shelter today to pick up gifts donated to her by 'santa.' She looked like a second chance realized, with the same beautiful eyes and grace but the paranoid breathing was gone and she spoke to me as if i were one person, not five. understandabley, she recognized me but couldn't remember who I was or what i meant to her. So i filled her in on what she meant to me. She was passive about this disconnect, which makes me think that bridgeing her old life to her new life is filled with this dissonance. I can't explain how great it is to see her overcome what most people would have wallowed in and died a homeless, anonymous death. It is so good for me, so theraputic, to witness this overcoming.

Person New. New co-worker, new knowledge, new perspective.A story teller, a liberal, bleeding heart, a deeply religous and spiritual woman. We worked together from 7 am- 3pm. About 80% of that time was spent storytelling. I admit: Although I love history, I am not a history buff. Wish and I was, and in due time I will be, but there are just a lot of gaps and one-sided stories I have to reinvestigate first. This lady, who is a grandma in her 50 somethings, has a boatload more life experiance and more substantial mental library than i do, obviously, so she helped me out. I now could hold a conversation about the kings of 4th century britain. I could retell the ful story of King Arthur, the knights, the round table, and that whole shabang. I understand what a female anthropologist might say about the demonizing of the female in the story of creation to shift from worshiping goddess's to male gods. I know the native american method of seeking morality. Will any of this come into handy, ever? welll I've gone without it alright for 19 years, so who knows. But now I have 3 recomendations on must read books.
So here is the story I originally intended to blog about. After 7 hours of deep conversation, we are eerily similar on the way we see most things, but others, such as the belief in the judeo-christian god, her man jesus chris, and religon in general, are blarringly different. I just want to point out that we trailblaze through life using the same moarl compass to guide ourselves, despite the fact she is a devout christian and I am a religously non-affiliated jew, which makes methink that these labels really don't matter much.Anyway, she eventually asked me about my love life.I told her. She commented, " when a man and woman are together and in love, it's the closest thing to heaven on earth you can get." Picking up on her exclusive word choice, I asked her out of curiosity," You're both a deeply liberal and religous person, so how do you feel about the divinity of a man-man or woman-woman relationship?"
She went pale. Her knuckles went white. A deer in headlights. With hesitation, she asked if the guy i liked was really a guy. I almost, ALMOST, lied and just to see where the conversation would go from there. But I told the truth, yes he's a he, and her color returned. Her anwser clifnotes: Gay is unnatural; love the sinner, hate the sin; the usual sighting of self-experiance as a case study for what is natural and what is not. That last one is my favorite: I am a woman-->I crave man--> therefore, all women naturally crave men too. That means even if a woman was aroused by another woman, that is an excess movelty to her primal attraction to man.That is the way it is, so that is the way it should be.Humph.
What the hell could I say? I wasn't going to change her mind, and I sure as hell wasn't about to take advantage of the fact that i don't get awkward and humiliate her. So i tell her that i respect her honesty and opinion because I respect her and the fact that she has an opinion. Then i tell her my point of view, kinsey scale and it is natural for some and humans are just sexual beings yada yada, and that i've studied some neuroscience at school, and homosexuality has a correlation with different parts of the prenatalfetal environment and mothers excretion of horomones. She argued with my sciience with more science, which was actually a really poignant argument. What a strange way to end a great conversation.

The Port to my heart. AWW.

Reasons to which I've been recently refreshed on why portland is so fucking great:

1. Fleece is not fashion; It is a way of life.
2. The best strangers on this side of the mississippi.
3. The fact that 2 different guys I don't recognize approach me in a bowling alley to askif I'm my brother's sister. Strong family resembelence?
4) The fact that the bowling alley serves alcohol.
5)The fact thatgetting kicked out and exiled from the bowling alley is shameless and commonplace.
6) because my co-worker understood when I had to take a 5 minute break outside to just stand underneath a sheet of rain, and nobody even noticed I was damp for the rest of the day
7)People bring their dogs into American Apperal and Urban outfitters. Note: realdogs, not paris hilton cat-dogs
8) Subarus and Hybrids are the jocks and cheerleaders of the roads
9)no need to take any highways.backroads work always.
10) inner beauty isn't just a concept
11) buses, bikes, dikes all= normalcy
12) gardens
13) tacky garden ornaments

portland. loooove.

My News

To sum up the post below, TV and legit information have become two north sided magnets that just won't go together. I heard Howard Dean say the other day that the internet is our new hope for circulating real information. I heard him say that on TV. All contradictions aside, the man is onto something. Where books fit into all of this is pretty screwy. Recently I've wondered, If I had my own news channel, what stuff would I tell the American people today? Confession: A part of me has always wanted to be that freaky public access channel girl, you know, the one whose guests alternate between a president bush sock puppet and her brother/Conspiracy Theorist Expert. Since that dream is a stretch, which works t=for my own social good, I'm just going to pretend like this blog is actually EmilyVision, just for today, and report to all of you what is actually news worthy...since I have that authority to decide.

Segment 1: America's Political Atmosphere
New Mexico is the 15th state to join the coalition of Badass States That Don't Buy Into The Bush Administration Bullshit. To put this into context, a few weeks ago Bush recieved a comprehensive report on the the effectivness(?) of absintence-only sex education. The report said NO it is NOT effective. After reading the report,Bush (possesing that omnipotent knowledge that can trump science and research)decieded that absintence-only education DOES work. In fact, it works so well that he allocated a boat-load of tax-payers money towards establishing abstinence-only sex ed in public schools nationwide. To you and I, this may seem like ignoring evidence and wasteing money on something that has been proven not to work; however, Bush made a very valid point when he gave the American people insight to his logic at a press conference on welfare reform on Tuesday, explaining,"When our children face a choice between self-restraint and self-destruction, government should not be neutral.'' What a wise man. Obviously, sex inside of a marriage is safe from unwanted pregnancy and disease, the inevitable side effects of sex outside of a holy union. Contraceptives, unlike cocaine and alcohol or any substances that Bush himself tampered with before he was reborn as the spitting image of Christ, are tools of the devil. ( side note: I've always been curious, since the government and the Rx industry have a symbiotic relationship, is the contraceptive Rx branch just the ignored black sheep in the industry?) Since Bush's initiative, 15 states, now including New mexico, have TURNED DOWN the government money to establish and fund such programs. I am impressed. Federal money is hard to come by, bravo 15 states for turning it down and sending a message to The Man that his decisions have to make sense for people to go along with it. Bravo.
Segment 2: Human Interest/ the usual de-moarlizing the east and juxtapositioning that archaism next to the civilized west so the western ego and pedestol and guilt-free occupation/exploitation of any non western nation can continue:
Turns out that in China, two teachers were running a sex ring, prostituting 20of their students. Six of those 20 were under 14, and the rest were between 14-17 years old. Some of the victims families knew what was going on, but they were threatened if they didn't cooperate. One of the child-sex ring leaders has been sentenced to death. The other is getting life in prison, along with multiple other hostel owners who operated the hubs where this took place. interesting story. i think it speaks a lot about how the ultimate female value still lies between her legs instead of between her ears; these girls were more viable as sex slaves than students, which is a reflection of that societies market for internships versus the market for clandestine sexual encounters and feeling powerful. To be completley honest in my opinion, a man's attraction to younger female is probably normal with a biological and evolutionary etiology rooted in fertility and isn't 'wrong' until he acts on it. And even though this particular story happened in China, I'm pretty positive it's not unique to China. Something like 14-20% of US college professors have sexual encounters with their students, and about 14% of therapists do the same with their clients. Could the Americacn version of exploiting the vulnerability in a power dynamic for one's own sexual fulfillment be worse than using humans as collateral for one's own financial fullfilment? I don't think there is an objectivly worse there. So the point of this story is, China got caught, but the whole world is screwing children over.

Segment Three: My Personal Victory
Today my "Impeach Cheney" hat came in the mail. I got it for free, and it's really really cool. I'm stoked.

Entertainment: Movies
I just saw Kite Runner. Of course the book was better, but i guess that wasn't the question at hand. Yes, it is worth spending a few dollars on to see it on the big screen. Although i do have some qualms with the movie, like how it leaves out the historical context of the emergence of the taliban.All of the sudden after russian invades afghanistan, boom, there the taliban is in the movie. If i was a person who attained most of my world knowledge from TV and movies...instead of informative blogs...I would both not understand and have a very narrow view of the talibans purpose from Kite Runner. But i guess the point of the movie wa the story, not to teach the masses. But it would be kinda nice if the good people at Paramount productions or whhhherevvver would realize that the latter is an inescapable consequence of the prior and they'd take care of business and represent shit in their story hollistically.

Infotainment: Books
I just got Steven Colbert's new one, I Am America ( And So Can You!) . I'll keep ya'll posted how it is, i cannot wait to start that. At the airport I got Born On A Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant. It's nuts so far, but not a fantastic read. Kind of like reading a text book in the way that it's not a page turner, but has really mindblowing information on every page. Hmm.

Well im off to bed because i work so f'ing early tomorrow.
hearts,
emily

Am I Missing The Good Channel?

I've never had a TV in my room at home. I've never really had any rules at home, so the fact that 'no-tvs- in-kids-bedrooms' was in fact a house rule meant that my mom ademently cared about this cause. Freshman year in college, my roomate and I didn't have a TV in our room; however, together we had more than enough imagination to compensate. Plus, I spent more of my time in our groups communal room in New North. They had a TV and thought it was the business, and that is when i first discovered that some people watch tv with the same analytical eye that I would use to read a book. Seriously, picking up the foreshadows and critiquing the character and plot development and i was blown away that some of these girls were talented at television watching. This year we have a TV in our appartment, but it's kinda like a really high tech poster because it is rarely on. Like any of us have that much time to sit and watch tv, hah.

In the few hours I've been awake since coming home, I've turned on the TV 3 times.
First attempt. Click: Britney Spear's Little Sister is Pregnant. Click off. Jesus christ.
Second Attempt. Click: ( an oldepisode of Mad TV) Here is Tome Gree promoting Freddy Got Fingered! Would you rather see him promote his movie or suck off a cow?!. Click off. ...really?
Third Attempt: click. The Daily Show, john stewart. I guess the third times the charm.

But honestly people, was television always this mind numbingly stupid? If the average America watches 4.5 hours of tv every day, what the hellllll are they watching?

Off to fun with Hulk, hurrahhhhhh. Oh, and my brother bought me my favorite meal out of his own pocket for when i woke up today, just because. Thai Orchid's tofu pad thai ( non specified spicyness) with extra vegtables and extra peanut sauce. How he remembered that exact combination, no idea.I guess i would know his favorite meal too though.

Airport Antics

I arrived at LAX on Tuesday afternoon. Last time I had slept: Saturday night, 5 hours. Once upon a time in this blog, i mentioned reprioritizing almost everything in my life. Sleep moved down umpteen notches on the list, and Time with Friends ended with the the bronze medal, only beneath silver Passing School and gold Staying Alive. So Sunday night was dedicated towards passing school, and monday night towards time with friends and feeling alive. I don't regret sacraficing sleep for any of it, including the all nighter before the final...because now if I'm ever held as a hostage at a bank and the only way the masked gunmen will let me out alive is if i can talk to them about America contributing to the backlash of religous fundamentalism in Iran, I will live with flying colors. And the night after that was my last night in LA for the semester AND the last night with some good freinds who are going abroad in the spring. Therefore, sleep was tabeled. We went to this soul food jazz bar. At one point, "mama", this vibrant, older black woman, shared her soul through song. Not even lyrical song, just a blend of noises. This lady, she was like a vortex absorbing all of the attention and energy and light in the room. She had such presence. She was so empowered, despite being considered marginalized 3 times over on paper. I tried real-deal soul food for the first time there. Yeah...interesting. But the wine was great, good ol merlot. Anyway, longer story shot, no sleep.And cerca 9 am, it kind of hit me that i has 3 hours to shower and pack and fly away home for the next month. Did it, got on the super shuttle, expected to have the normal airport experiance and just nap my way home to my big bed where i could pass the hell out.
NOPE.
My day of travel was another, unexpected adventure.
1) I yelled at the airport staff. I still feel horrible because I know being in service jobs, someone smiling at you can go a long way, and someone yelling at you can go even longer. I honestly had zero impulse control. The lines to the e-ticket and bag x-rays and bag checks were all 5 miles long and intersecting and confusing and i got in the wrong line about 3 times, so by the time i got to the front in the right line I had no tolerance in being told to 'be patient, take one step back, and wait my turn.' I yelled. Then followed her directions. THen apologized. Then just went on with my life, to the next line and beyond. But i still feel bad.
2) Lady in the Bathroom. Holy. Shit.This lady is one reason why I will miss LA. She stood out to me because she was trying to be incognito and blend in. Crouching in front of a wall-mirror in the bathroom, I first saw her readjusting her head scarf and 8 in diameter sunglasses to best cover up the big white bandages padding the side of her face and lopsided bloated/deflated lips. She caught me glancing at her, and just straight out goes , " You're looking at me because I'm a freak. I understand." Well, shit. For the next 15 minutes I talked to this banded lady about life. The bandages can be explained by poor plastic surgury. She was unlike any other 50 year old lady i've ever chatted with.At the end of the conversation she profusley thanks me for talking with her and giving her advice on her daughter. If freud were to read this, he'd probably call that a pro-social defense mechanism, making up for yelling at the airport lady by being extra-supportive to the bathroom lady. I think he'd be right.
3) He sits down next to me on the airplane and says,"I'm not politically correct." I just look at him, suprised. He added, "I'll grow on you by the end of the flight." And he did. Then his brother comes and sits down too, and for the next 2 hours, the three of us joke around and try and prank the flight attendants and talk philosophy. It sounds like they were 7 and 8 years old, but truth be told they were 26 and 27. The other day I had a disagreement about the amount that apperance goes into the outcome of getting free stuff. I now stand corrected: before my very eyes, extra pillows and wheat thins for the boys galore, courtesy of the young, blonde flight attendant. By the end of the flight, i convinced the older brother to make a move on the eye-fucking flight attendant.He did. I love it. That victory made up for the earlier failure of breaking into the liquor drawer but coming back empty handed. That flight makes me happy, realizing how many people there are out that that I haven't even met yet who I have that underlying comfortability with at first handshake.

I fell asleep in my clothes, with the lights on, and not even under my coversbefore midnight. And today I woke up at 5 pm. I still feel tired and disoriented and it's been dark outside for waaay to long. I've been listening to a lot of 'Black Power' music lately. It really doesn't make sense why I love Dead Prez and Talib/Mos Def...or most black power music...I'm not black or another racial minority who needs a role model or someone to point out how and why life isn't fair. I'm not struggling to find good housing, or eat, or losing friends in cut-throat color wars. I can come up with proximate explanations, like i have some black family, I'm jewish which is minority ish, life is on a sliding scale so the same injustices effect me just on a lesser level, etc. I dunno, i don't really get it, but at the end of the day i love the lyrics and the beats so these neo-black panther artists can feel good knowing a little white jewish girl jams out to them, daily.

I want to go back to la :(

number one stunna

This morning, I am bestowing upon one lecture slide the esteemed title of Best in Show AND Best Slide of the Year. I'm not going to do it justice, but it reads " The United Plates of America" and then has a cute little picture of how/where plate tectonics are moving around America. I love clever. Even more than witt and irony.

I MAY have the chance to stay in LA this summer and MAY be able to intern at Clinton's LA hub. I don't even know if she's my choice candidate yet, but ORGASM, working in the political realm in '08 in this chaos would be unreal. Even as a coffee bitch, it'd be interesting.

I'm looking forward to going back to work over break with my newly aquired psyc and abnormal psyc knowledge...at least so when i dispense antipsychotics to residents I kinda know whats up.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

I usually would take this space and go on a rant. I'm going to try something new today. Three upbeat things:

1) I've learned that I have this cool talent when I'm really, really sleep deprived, I undergo depersonalization. It's trippy, and kinda fun, and kinda more fun than most illicit ways to have fun.
2) David's mom is coming to town this weekend. Yes. I've been working on little by little traveling the globe to meet his entire family, and now I just have 2 more members to go after mama mouse comes. I love meeting my friends parents. Always interesting, always so, so explanatory.
3) I still like frozen yogurt.

hopefully being an optimist will get easier as I keep at it. meh?

थे फुतुरे ऑफ़ माय major

Woah. If I ever have a child, I'll probably end up taking them to the same clinician to treat their bipolar disorder as i would their broken arm.

Insight to the future of my major, compliments of my textbook: "...ultimately there is no real distinction between "physical" and "psychological"-all suffering involves the physical brain..."

One stick, Communal Ass

Oh here Emily, this final shouldn't be too bad, you just need to know the ins and outs of the American DSM-IV-TR, and every psychodynamic,humanistic,cognitive,behavioral, interpersonal relational, biological explanation for every listed mental disorder's cause, their explanation for a treatment, and all of the comorbidities, prevelances, symptoms and general statistics about them. no biggie.

Screw abnormal psychology. Take me back to regular psychology...oh wait...

Don't worry Emily, this psyc final is just like the other midterms. You missed two major lectures and discussions? Well I don't knwo what to tell you, school needs to be your top priority instead of these fying home stunts that you pulled.

Because I wanted to go home? Alllright, maybe I'll take a break from studying people studying people, and move on to something less variable. Geeeology.

Emily, I'm sure the final will be manageable if youve already started studying like we sugested ( this was last week). There were 20 lectures, and 50 slides on each lecture, so that's only 1,000 slides to review. Don't worry though, you only really need to know the concepts if 2 or more slides covers it.

Oh..cool. Thanks.At least I have good old Women and Revolution in the Middle East. Great subject, great class, great professor. I mean, she was a great professor. Who unepectedly left a few weeks before the semester ended. For Canada.But we still have a midterm. Over what? I do not have one single idea. Our sub talked to us about the truth in sterotypes. So on the final ill just...assume things about people based on the social group they belong to? That is anti- women and revolution. Mehhh

Oh hey Emily, you know that book you read that you were ranting about to me, and then you read the sequel, and then other works by that author? Yeah, they adapted it to a movie but kept the original illustrations, its supposed to be epic. Come with me to see the author speak at her movie premiere.

Holy shit. I would go ballastic like a 10 year old britney spears fan. But the thing I want to do, I CAN'T do because I have to do all of the things i DON'T want to do but MUST do.

If there's an easier way to get through this finals bizznass let me know because I am not enjoying this.

prepare to tired/sore/ache ow

Hah, this past day/night, what a trip.

ive got some thinkin to do, ive got some sleepin to do, and when i wake ive got some studying to do

life.

Sleep deprivation=masochism?

Twelve hours ago, i had a study break coffee date with a friend. Hah. The thing about breaks is that they're supposed to be between two points of productivity. Well, i kind of dropped the ball on this one.

I just got back from a beautifully orchastrated evening where, for once, all of the times of my places-to-be worked in my favor instead of against me.

So now I guess it's time to (re)learn the literally 1,000 geology slides. Meh, oh well, tonight was fun. So much hannukah-palooza.

There was a party with a dj,bar, and all at the orthodox jewish house on campus. Strange. Even stranger is the fact that different sects of the religion my parents brought me up with seem strange to me. What a fragmented, little jewish world we live in.

The rain outside is peaceful. It's a nice remiender during this hectic time before finals that the world is still turning, and rain still falls.The entire world doesn't stop for stop days.

What if the entire world stopped for stop days? that'd be amazing.

Final Thoughts, On the Day, Of The Night: im going to miss my wsa friends going abroad and the holiday party was really cute; the Trojan Men are absolutley incredible and I had chills all throughout their acapella concert; my roomate is betty freakin crocker and whipped up a meal to feed 10 from nothing on the fly and i want to learn her skillz; people get really into this lighting the menorah gig; chabad house never fails to bring all of the closet jews out to celebrate during their big parties and i liked the siani scholar alliance we had goin on; i learned how much bigger troy really is than troy east but i still like my apparment better because the view is killin; sorting out stuff in my head. before bed. hah.

Abort bush!

This blog was originally inteded to be political. And not loosly political like 'the personal is political so i can write about how my TA always has food stuck in his front teeth.' I was legitimatley scared about the havok American Politics under the Rush Regime would cause. But I like to write so slowly my entries meandered away from politics and became about whatever I felt like.

And this blog will continue to be about whatever I feel like. I feel like I need to talk politics, damnit.

If we go to war with Iran, i don't know what the hell I'm going to do. Could you continue to sleep at night knowing you're paying taxes funding that disaster? Iran is just as unprecedented as Iraq, but in my mind it's even WORSE because the American people have the wisdom of hindsight to try and prevent this from happening again.

As far as opportunity for women goes, Bush has been a nightmere. You know what? Fine. From his and his followers prospective, he's probably been a fantastic world leader in when it comes to women. My opinion is subjective, but he's done (some of) what he's wanted to do. What really bothers me is that his initiatives have had and are going to continue to have lasting effects after he leaves office on the people of this country and in the world at large. The very first day he was in office, Bush reinforced the Global Gag Rule so America no longer provided any foreign funding to non government organizations if they supported ( !) or provided abortions. Logically, taking away abortions in many foreign contries that recieve America funding increases population ( which is already a huge problem), AIDS, and makes the population more susceptible to economic struggles. Which, in the end, can selfishly benifit America by sifling the progress of other nations.Great. Cool. His pro-life crusade is also happening on the home turf: taking away 3rd trimester abortions with no exceptions, appointing supreme court justices who are likley to rule in favor of his views to make sure the country stays 'moarl' long into the future, etc. And this is the creme de la crop to his multi-axial plan: not only has he limited rights to abortion, he also approved funding for more abstinence-only programs in American schools. Not suprisingly, he signed the funding immidiately after he recieved the research results on the effectivness of abstinence only programs in schools...which esstentially said they are not effective. Knowing they aren't effective, he STILL took our tax dollars and threw them into this initiative, and i would be much more pleased if he just lit the money or fire if he was going to waste it like that.

I don't feel like continuing to critique our fearless leader. I want to look towards a better, brighter future in 2008. Most people are skeptical of the Green Party. Whatever, I think they're spectacular for more reasons than I have time to list. If youre curious, check it out: http://www.gp.org/

It's paper time

Barbara Boxer, I Will list your serve

I need help: I am in an abusive relationship with two rival list serves. It's like Westside Story in my email inbox, and I am sick of it. But today, today US D-Senator from California Barbara Boxer just pushed me over the proverbial edge. You did not get elected for your automatic messages, Senator. I took the time to write to you and your senator amiga Dianne Feinstein, and what do i get in return? Well, since you're apperantly so dedicated to the ideals of democracy, let's let the people decide what to think about this for themselves. PS I hope you're better at detecting sarcasm than your are genuine concern and urgency.

The backstory. I'm on this listserve thats non-partisan but liberal government eye that somehow always has the insider info on the corruption,exploitation,greed and manipulation that is the White House.I think reading it makes me somewhat of a masochist. Most of the time, along with a blurb, they have cyber petitions where we all bombard the (e)mail boxes of who we need--senators, supreme court, bush administration, whoever.Not a foreign concept, right.

So I'm a petition type of gal, I like to sign petitions. I dont know, there is something comforting about not being the only one who is against Meatloaf Mondays or Opposed to Those Who are Opposed to Hemp or ,as in THIS case, against/appaled/terrified that Bush is holding semi-secret negotiations with the prime minister of Iraq and arranging the United States having a PERMANENT military base stationed in Iraq. Horrified? Absolutely, I am. Surprised? Not a bit, a blind man could see this one coming. But just because I assume Bush will do the exact opposite of whatever i think is ethically just ( this formula works to a T), and knew that this day would come, it doesn't mean i'm not upset now. All of Bush's little innane, greedy decisions have accumulated and set the stage for the Third World War. Or would it technically be another crusade...? regardless, who wants to make a bet? Any gambeling folk out there? My bet, my terms, my rules: I bet you that if a permanent US military base is set up in Iraq, the US will go to War with Iran. Loser gets drafted, haha! Oh it's funny because it could be true. Actually, if you're readin this im assuming you're literate. Don't worry, you're safe; they also recruit and use uneducated people as the human shields first because they don't have souls.

So one listserve sends me a link to sign a petition to my senator, Californias finest Barbara Boxer, to oppose Bush's plan's and clandestine meetings and conspiring to have that permanant base in Iraq. I look to the left of the screen, and see a little box that told me- and you know internet flashing boxes don't lie- I could supplement my petition signing by additionally writing a an email letter to Boxer and Feinstein about this middle east maddness. So I did. My points were organized, it was spellchecked, and I discussed three main reasons why I oppose US military occupation in the Middle East, all of which were atypical but still valid. AND, AND at the end I put her to the test, asking her to send me back a personal email of anything when she, Barbara Boxer, read my letter. It was my test to see if it would ever go to a) a human b) past the 10th teir secretary or a) to Boxer herself.

See, i was still pumped up from my last social experiment ( last week i wore a head veil through all of the airport checks flying back to LA), and i didn't get 'randomly' double checked by security. It was cool, so i went into this opptimistic.
What I Fucking got back from Fucking Barbara fucking boxer: an automatic reponse which was obviously sent to anyone who checked off the "iraq" in the "this message is regarding___" box we had to check before sending. Son of a Barbara. The response didn't even closely touch anything i really brought up.

Point: I have automatic response emails and listserves. What happened to the people making the decisions caring.Where have all the flowers gone?

Swamped: stream of contiousness

3:30 AM STREAM OF CONTIOUSNESS FREE WRITE GO

I don't know where to begin, so I'll start somewhere random and maybe i'll stumble and spiral my way out of this dazed stupor. There is still paint on my feet. Egg-shell white paint is splotched over my toes and stuck in my fingernail crevices and god knows where else, i gave up trying to aviod it. Paint is invasive, did you know that? It isn't happy just being smoothly smothered onto a wall and sitting and slowly drying, oh no. It bites you, literally, its like the little splatters of paint are like little pacmen, except not like mrs pacman with the cute lil bow and all, more like piranna pacmen that are ruthless and as hard as you try, as many times as you rip and re-tie your garbage bag smock, it still finds a way to stain your skin. So you look down and see it's there and are like 'what the fuck, you are not wanted here, go back to your wall' and it just gives you the silent treatment, ya know? Cause it knows you hate it. It just mocks your annoyance with an arrogant muteness and there you are. stuck. in the shower. scrubbing your feet for about twenty minutes, and it still looks like you have the michael jackson syndrome. Today from 11:30 ish to almost 5 i went and painted at the downtown womens shelter with other wsa+member organization people. It was tough, and im not a wimp, it was actually challenging to tape down, tarp off, move furnature, climb ladders, be jumping and ducking and all the while being constantly hyper-vigilant to everystep you take because you forgot to wear paint-freindly clothes. Cause if you did wear paint friendly clothes, that would be a different story. And by "you", this whole time i mean "I." I think you got it.
I love dirt. I like mud. I like grassstains. I don't really like sandy, but i think that's the exception. My mom knows this about me, my affinity to somehow be exploring something somewhere, and so this weekend she took me to do something that I would never pay for myself but since she insissted...a manicure. Yup, and a pedicure. I don't know a word stronger than love, but if i did, id insert it here: I love massage. Im not going to lie, manicures and pedicures are enjoyable just because the people massage you, fuck the polish shit. i think its really strange that women paint their nails red. Lips i understand, because theyre naturally pink, so red lipstick is enhancing a feature. But whose nails are naturally red, or redish? Like bruised and bloody finger stumps if you ask me. Anyway, ill let the story progress. So im getting the pedicure and flipping through this portland magazine and see this Land Rover ad which pisses me off. "we're the first completly carbon neutral vehicle in the united states."...what?...I read on. what did they mean. Thats what i wondered. get this: they claimed to be carbon neutral because for every car sold they planted like 10 trees. HA. How fucking moronic do they think the public is?? Trees do not counter-balance the effects of global warming. Putting a dead fish in the ground won't grow me a strawberry patch. Land rover: you silly little s.o.b., you and your false advertising. BUT WAIT thats not my story. Im reading, im comisterating over the blatent decietfulness of our corporate culture, and then i finally tune back in to my souroundings. that happens to me sometimes. zoom. focus. reality. my mind is a playground and i like to play so i spend a lot of time inside of there. but zoom, i saw him, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. The guy giving me a pedicure, knealing below me as i sat on a quazi throne, was my age. He was half-vietnamese. His voice was low and raspy. His arms, like my feet now, were coated in tatoos.So i asked him about his tatoos. One for a fallen homie, some more gang stuff, some vietnamese pride stuff, and on the back of his neck a big "FUCK OFF". I think he went really slow on my feet on purpose because we talked for the next hour about life. He's seen a lot. ( I think) I've seen a lot. The entire time though i just wanted him to STOP DOING MY NAILS because it felt so wrong, so wrong that i live on the westside and him on teh eastside, and im 3rd generation immigrant and hes first, and i look all white and he looks part asian, and i didn't have to get protection from a gang and he did, and im in college and hes working in his moms nail place to save up to one day go to school to be a mechanic and NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERED because we related as equals when we talked because we are equals. And i felt wrong paying an equal to do something that i could just as easily done myself, paint my nails. The experiance made me happy because he was an interesting person to meet and learn about cool shit from, but it also made me never want to talk to a person providing me with a service again who i relate to that well.
(deep breath)
My friends all wanted to support me when my grandma passed, but i wouldn't really let them and said the best thing for them to do was to make sure that i had a good time on saturday night when i came back from portland. And they delivered. Saturday night was great. I love dancing, so much dancing, hours of dancing in fact. And wine, and timtam and champagne and lots of troy camp people all over the fucking place wherever we went they were there it is cool like a social TC invasion. I like troy camp. Erraneous. Sometimes sarah and i say to eachother at random times ' ok, lets be the last ones to leave' before we even know if its fun or not. So we said it at andre 3000, and we were. And gavin thought i was a lesbian. Which cracks me up, and makes me wonder how many other people out there who aren't as bold at that fellow to ask me straight up think that i am a striaght up, no exceptions, lesbian? Interesting. Dancing. Anyway, dancing. Oh dancing, ini middle school and high school i danced like my job was to gyrate and vibrate. Somewhere inbetween then and now, i've slowly abandoned that let-me-rub-my-ass-against-your-groin-in-a-way-that-if-we-were-naked-youd-be-my-babies-daddy method. most of the time but sometimes when old skool juvinillle comes on or nelly or sir mix alot, you gotta show the world that babby got back, yaknowwhatimean.


WOAH. ZOOOOOOOOOOOm, its 4:30 and im, what? im writing? about nothing? i really needed this though. whewww.
FIN